NCBBDAS: Oh Flux - War of the Rani

NCBBDAS: Oh Flux - War of the Rani

Part Two of Six

Starring Brenda Blethyn, Linda Hamilton and Rinko Kikuchi

* * *

Sarah Connor screamed. “Aaaahhhhhh!!”

The Doctor stood there, and shrugged, “what?”

“The Flux thing? Flux 2. We’re all gonna die??” Sarah Connor blubbered.

“Naw.” The Doctor said. “The cliffhanger is suddenly resolved without explanation.”

“What.”

“It’s gone, the cliffhanger is just, no longer there.”

“The Flux is no longer going to eat the TARDIS?”

“Nope, TARDIS is right here. Not eaten.” The Doctor explained.

Danieru stepped out of the TARDIS, arms crossed, and smoldering. “…Who are you supposed to be?”

“I’m the Doctor.” The Doctor said. “Who are you supposed to be?”

“The Doctor looks like Dame Judi Dench,” Danieru said smartly.

“I’ve never met ya, sweetheart.” The Doctor hissed. “And I certainly don’t anymore.”

There was a moment of tension as they surveyed the terrain - and realized exactly where they were. No Man's Land. The battlefield of World War 1. Thousands of Men had lost their lives on this very soil, and they were in the middle of it. The Doctor adjusted her scarf. Danieru slowly recognized the location, and clutched her stomach. "How could you have taken me here? What have you done with the Doctor-"

The Doctor sighed, and passed her her phone, with a link to the Regeneration article on TARDIS.wikia.

They all stood still expectantly in the middle of the battlefield for five minutes as Danieru painstakingly looked over the article. Bombs flew overhead.

Eventually, Danieru came to her conclusion. "Well, that's no excuse." She eventually said, a bit petulant that she was proven wrong this early in the day.

"Let's look around." The Doctor said.

"Why??" Danieru asked. "Couldn't we just leave?"

"You really don't get the companion thing yet," Sarah muttered.

"You're one to talk, Sa Rah Con Nor!" Danieru said, attempting the Terminator's accent.

"Oi, Oi. No Cat-Fighting in the TARDIS. It's one of the rules. Right up there with no Hanky Panky. You definitely can't have Hanky Panky in the TARDIS." The Doctor paused. "Though I suppose because of Amy and Rory, you can have sex in the TARDIS, but definitely no Hanky Panky."

"What's Hanky Panky?"

"Just go with it."

They began to walk through the wasteland, somewhat conversationally. But the atmosphere was dark, and moody. As grey as the smoke filled skies, and as temperamental as the barbed wire that Sarah occasionally had to cut for them - (she always carried a machete in addition to her usual 23 guns.) The Doctor had been in a lot of Wars before, especially World War 2, disappointingly, but there was always something that felt new and terrifying about the original, even if it was ancient history. Too many people had made too many new weapons, and so there was a war. The Doctor sometimes wondered if it had anything to do with the Archduke's assassination or just the fact that everyone was looking for a fight over anything. To test their new shiny toys. To kill because they could.

"Isn't this a bit long for a cold open-"

"OOH LOOK THE RANI" The Doctor screamed.

 

The Rani was standing on the hill, laughing maniacally. "I hereby claim the earth in the name of Rani! Hahahah ha hah hah ha h ah ah ahahah ahahha h ahaha ha h ahh hahaha hah I'm so clever and so evil hahahahaha ha"

"Who's the Rani?" Danieru asked.

"I mean, well, she did pretty much sum it up real well there." The Doctor explained.

"HAhah ah haha hah hah science!" The Rani screamed.

Suddenly, without warning, an enormous battalion of Tetraps descended over the hills.

"Run!!" The Doctor screamed, as the battalion descended.

Suddenly, without warning, Sarah Connor turned bright blue and disappeared.

Suddenly, without warning, Danieru turned bright blue and disappeared.

Suddenly, without warning, the Doctor swore loudly.

If you're wondering how they disappeared, me too. I'm just the writer here. I have no idea what's happening.

* * *

The Doctor did a lot of running, but that was something that the Doctor did. It was part of being the Doctor, after all, the running, wasn't it? You kind of had to do running if you were Doctor Who, you just had to. Otherwise you weren't Doctor Who. It was just that simple. Sorry, William Hartnell.

The thing about Tetraps is that they're fucking Tetraps. There's no way in hell that Doctor bloody Who is going to die to a monster that objectively speaking, is at a D-Rank in terms of fame. Possibly F. So the Doctor evaded them with her clever strategy of lying down on the ground, and pretending to be a rock. The Tetraps never knew what hit them.

Nothing hit them, actually, but it's a phrase in the common lexicon. Isn't that a funny word? Lexicon, Lexicon. Sorry. I'm losing focus here. The Tetraps passed by without any issue.

and as soon as they did, the mud covered Doctor, got up, brushed herself off (very badly) and walked on confidently over the hill.

"OOH!" The Doctor screamed, suddenly realizing it was a celebrity historical. Edith Cavell was standing over the hill.

The Doctor turned towards the camera. Nobody was near her, so she couldn't sprout exposition without breaking the Fourth Wall. "Wow! It's Edith Cavell! Edith Cavell!

Edith Louisa Cavell (/ˈkævəl/; 4 December 1865 – 12 October 1915) was a British nurse. She is celebrated for saving the lives of soldiers from both sides without discrimination and for helping some 200 Allied soldiers escape from German-occupied Belgium during the First World War, for which she was arrested. She was accused of treason, found guilty by a court-martial and sentenced to death. Despite international pressure for mercy, she was shot by a German firing squad. Her execution received worldwide condemnation and extensive press coverage.

The night before her execution, she said, "Patriotism is not enough. I must have no hatred or bitterness towards anyone." These words were later inscribed on a memorial to her near Trafalgar Square." Said the Doctor, literally fucking reciting from the wikipedia page of Edith Cavell. "Wow! Isn't that so cool!"

The fact that the story would have no need to do this if it had picked a more well known historical figure was completely glossed over.

"Hiya, Edith Cavell!" The Doctor screamed.

"Hello, I am Edith Cavell," said Edith Cavell.

* * *

MEANWHILE IN THE ARCTIC CIRCLE

No Seriously we're doing the scene now

Evil Dan descended from the sky as One Winged Angel from Final Fantasy played in the background.

"What's the point of being alive," he said, as he entered the house of the two arctic circle extras.

"Ha-Ho, Ha- Ho " He intoned. The Male Extra screamed. The Female Extra screamed louder and a more high pitched thing, because ... wait, hold on, why is it always the female character that screams more then the men in these stories? Like, really. If I was in a Doctor Who story, I'd be doing a lot more fucking screaming than the male characters. This, this isn't a criticism here. This is just something I've noticed. I guarantee I would be 50% more hysterical than the "hysterical woman" character. Is this just me, and am I a crybaby? Or is it sexism. I honestly don't know. Like really. I notice a lot of it in classic who. The prevalence of macho men in our media I feel is greatly overexaggerated, regardless.

Oh FUcK i should be telling the story um

Evil Dan laughed again, "Ha-Ho, Ha- Ho I'm good at this" and murdered the male extra with a wok, graphically bashing his head in over and over. He then bashed the female extra over the head with the wok to reveal, Evil Yaz?? What?

Evil Yaz stood there dejectedly.

"Gonna take a bit o them for tonight," Evil Dan said.

Evil Yaz stood there. "Oh, fucking speak normal you little shit."

"Ha Ho"

"Why are you like this. I have been here for so long, Dan. I have been evil yaz. for ever. It is a long time to be evil yaz. especially with no media exposure. I deserve media exposure, Evil Dan. I could be a hysterical meme, but no, no one fucking cares about evil Yaz. I got one episode focus in series 11. ONE episode DAN one episode oh my god I amSO tired of being undER the rug, , , ANd NOW, it is TIME for my revenge. It i s TIME, dan. time for revenge time.! our evil plan to -"

"Nobody needs Soup more than me." Evil Dan said, almost by instinct at this point, before then correcting himself. "Um, sorry. Um, but why don't yous have a quotable catchphrase like me, yaz," he asked, scouse-ly.

Evil Yaz began to ugly cry, and wailed loudly. Before throwing herself to the floor in a temper tantrum.

"Okay okay geez"

And so the main villains began to enact their evil plan. And Evil Yaz began searching for her evil catchphrase. She considered taking Dan's line about the four bears, but it didn't really work out of context.

* * *

Sarah Connor and Danieru found themselves in a city of beige. Beige is one of those colors that's almost impossible to avoid in space travel, Sarah Connor noted. You'd think that space would be very colorful, and other planets would be big, bold, bright, but no, most of them were grey or beige.

Danieru made a face. It was like she was thinking 'where are we,' but didn't want to come off as too generic. She cared a lot more about appearances than Sarah thought, Sarah realized.

"What?" Danieru asked, pointedly.

"Nothing." Sarah replied. "Alien world. Let's go."

Danieru nodded. "I suppose that works."

They got up and walked slowly around the corner to find Grand Marshall Hugo Endeavor.

Sarah cocked her gun, passing a sawed off shotgun to Danieru. Danieru didn't have the heart to tell Sarah that sawed off shotguns just make the shotgun worse, she looked so happy about it. "Tell me who you are, or I shoot."

"I am Grand Marshall Hugo Endeavor." said Grand Marshall Hugo Endeavor.

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"lol bye" said Grand Marshal Hugo Endeavor, walking away, placing a wooden cartoonish sign in the piles of sand behind them.

Sarah sighed, and examined the sign. It simply was a legal disclaimer about how much this character really had great plans coming for him soon and you should be very excited about Grand Marshall Hugo Endeavor. In even smaller text hidden below this small text, it continued to advocate for the Marshall as one of the best characters in Doctor Who.

Hidden behind on the back was yet smaller text, which threatened legal action if any criticism of Grand Marshall Hugo Endeavor was put in the Press.

In the smallest text yet, written beneath all of that too was a simple why are we writing so tiny

Sarah Connor kicked the sign, and they continued on.

The hallways became dark and shady after a while. It was gradually getting harder to see, until the hallway was illuminated yet again - by Danieru.

"Danieru, why do you glow in the dark?"

"The Government pays me fifty dollars a month for the implantation of illegal biogenic experiments in my hair! Wanna see?" Danieru asked cheerfully.

"...Are you radioactive, Danieru?" Sarah asked concernedly. "What's your life expectancy?"

"Life Expectancy? Don't you mean a half-life?" Danieru questioned.

"Forget it."

* * *

"Whoever you are, you must come this way, to the encampment. I have little supplies these days, but you must get to safety nonetheless." Edith Cavell commanded.

The Doctor nodded, and so they walked.

"Have you ever played Five-Dimensional Chess with Multiversal Time Travel, Edith Cavell?"

"What"

They didn't talk for the rest of the walk. There was nothing else to say, really, especially since The Doctor couldn't think of a punchline.

* * *

They soon arrived at the encampment.

"HELLO, DOCTOR," said Generic Military Colonel #44858943439852403827. "I AM VERY GENERIC, HAVE A HANDLEBROW MUSTACHE AND LOVE KILLING."

"It's people like you that make me lose faith in humanity!" The Doctor hissed.

"I'm sorry??" Edith Cavell asked confusingly.

"I've met a lot of overly dignified boisterous military officers, sometimes with handlebrow mustaches, but not always, that turn out to be evil. Just like Generic Military Colonel Number forty-four quintillion eight hundred fifty-eight quadrillion nine hundred forty-three trillion four hundred thirty-nine billion eight hundred fifty-two million four hundred three thousand eight hundred twenty-seven." The Doctor said. "At this point, it's probably better to judge beforehand."

Edith paused, and made a face. "That's discriminatory profiling." Edith Cavell said.

"Meh," The Doctor replied, and pointed at Generic Military Colonel #44858943439852403827.

"DOCTOR. LATER IN THE STORY I WILL MAKE A STUPID MILITARY DECISION THAT COSTS LIVES, OLD CHAP," Generic Military Colonel #44858943439852403827 said, and then he made undignified british grunting noises.

"I mean, he's not exactly original." The Doctor said, shrugging.

"FORGIVE ME, GOOD LADIES, I MUST PREPARE FOR A MILITARY MISSION THAT I WILL PERSUE NO MATTER WHAT, EVEN IF I AM GIVEN NUMEROUS BETTER OPTIONS." Generic Military Colonel #44858943439852403827 said, walking off.

"So. How's the fight against the Germans going?" The Doctor asked, turning to Edith Cavell.

"Germans? Wherever have you heard such a funny word. We fight a war against the country of Rani-ville." Edith Cavell explained.

"Raniville?? Raniville??? Oh, you've got to be joshin me, luv, because that don' make no sense." The Doctor sputtered. "The Rani? Trying to conquer the world?? Fighting on the front lines too?? With Tetraps?? Something is gravely wrong here. She'd never do that..." The Doctor mused.

* * *

MEANWHILE

ON THE PLANET "TIME"

"Wow, this is the planet "Time,"" Danieru said, reading the very large captions that were all over the screen.

"How do you know about the planet "Time?"" Sarah Connor asked confused, grasping her gun.

"Oh, yeah, the Doctor told me."

"You've travelled with her before?" Sarah asked, confusedly.

"For that question you must refer to the short story How To Change Time Illegally in Ruinous Time to peruse my numerous retcons, complicated timeline, and possibly also read various out-of print expanded material reference books. And watch a Kevin Costner movie." She said cheerily.

STOP
BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL

"Ooh, the subtitles are mad at us."

"You definitely travelled with the Dench Doctor, didn't you?"

"You couldn't tell?" Danieru laughed.

As they walked, they came into an interior room.

"Ooh. It's Atropos." Danieru said. "I should have recognized it sooner. Check this out." She tapped the floor, and it fell away to reveal a hidden staircase.

"What?"

"The city of Atropos has another city hidden beneath it. The most secret city in all of the multiverse. Gods tremble at it's name. Didn't the Doctor tell you any of this?" Danieru said.

Sarah Connor bit her lip. "I'm starting to think the Doctor doesn't trust me much."

They walked into the below city.

* * *

SEATTLE

"The Secret City beneath the most secret city in all of creation is called Seattle?" Sarah blurted.

"Complete coincidence."

* * *

"So. The Rani. She's got a military force of...tetraps. And she's trying to conquer the planet. Why?" The Doctor thought out loud.

"I cannot be sure, Doctor. The world that I live in now is a very strange place, and oh so different from what was before." Edith Cavell replied.

"Well, Edith - can I call you Edith - the world is on fire from a spacio-temporal cataclysm."

"Apologies, Miss, but you do speak such rubbish. Please, do be clearer in your speech. It irritates me so."

"Sorry, Edith." The Doctor mused. "But we need to figure out what the Rani's planning, and how to get her and the Tetraps away from here! Now, what are the weaknesses of the tetraps..."

* * *

The weaknesses of Tetraps are being bludgeoned on the back of the head, having a brown knapsack put over them and being dragged into the back of a shed. Now you know.

"Tetrap, I command you to tell me the Rani's plan!" The Doctor said, irritatedly.

"Why?" The Tetrap hissed in a low gutteral growl that could not be imitated by human vocal chords. "Why should I assist the Doctor, sworn enemy of-"

The Doctor waved a bag of blood plasma in front of his face.

"What is that?" Edith Cavell asked, confused.

"Stole it from a hospital." The Doctor said. "No one will miss it."

* * *

THE HOSPITAL THE DOCTOR STOLE IT FROM

"OH NO THIS SURGERY NEEDS MORE BLOOD PLASMA"

"AH WHAT A PITY, WE HAVE NO SUCH ITEMS SINCE THE MASS ROBBERY OF PLASMA. ZOUNDS! WHAT A DREADFUL OCCURANCE"

* * *

"Anyway," The Doctor continued. "If I give you the blood plasma, you'll be super happy, right?"

"Yes, yes," Hissed the Tetrap. "Give us the Amsalp!"

"Only if you give me the exact information needed for me to defeat the Rani - and you give her a message."

"What message?"

"Tell her - that there are rumors that the sworn enemy of the Rani and Tetraps - the Doctor - is amuck on the fields of No Man's Land!"

"THE DOCTOR!!!" The Tetrap hissed. "We will cut his bones to meal and devour them!"

For some reason, the Tetrap had forgotten the conversation five seconds ago where it recognized the Doctor and knew where she was. You may be expecting a complicated time explanation, the effects of the Flux, perhaps, but I'm sorry to inform you that Tetraps are not very smart. I wish I could give a more in-depth explanation on that - why the Tetraps are not very smart, or how they came to be so, but it's just sort of a recognized fact, really, that if you wave a bit of blood plasma in front of a Tetraps face for a bit their IQ becomes two. It's just a universal law, you know. Like Gravity, or American Idol being terrible.

"The Rani's plan - the glorious Rani, she wants to make the world into a scientific lab!" The Tetrap hissed.

"The world?" The Doctor asked, bewildered.

"A laboratory worthy of the queen she is - where she can study the effects of the second Flux! Or, um, like, the Shift? What's it called. Amsalp please."

The Doctor shoved him the blood plasma. "Well then, I know exactly what I need to do." The Doctor said.

* * *

Meanwhile, Military Colonel #44858943439852403827 was engaging in his plan. "We are going to try and kill all of the aliens with bullets." He said to his batallion of soldiers.

"Aren't they immune to bullets?"

"We are hoping that they have spontaneously become not immune to bullets." Military Colonel #44858943439852403827 said. 

"No, really. Have you thought about this for more than two seconds" 

"I AM A FLAT CHARACTER, I'M SORRY," Military Colonel #44858943439852403827 screamed at the top of his lungs.

* * *  

"So what are we going to do?"

"We're going to halt all scientific progress." The Doctor said to Edith Cavell.

"What? Isn't that immensely cruel and detrimental to humanity?"

"Well, yes, luv, but the thing is that the entire Flux event is causing a breach in time to begin with. I fully intend to undo it later. So, um, I'm gonna pull a Dench." She sighed. "I do hope this works. I hate the fields of no man's land - they ruin me nice galoshes."

They were out in the fields of No Man's Land because The Doctor was building a device. This was something the Doctor was quite good at. She had dismantled a rifle, a radio, her sonic screwdriver, (it would be inexplicably better later) and was using some odds and ends to be fair, but she was essentially developing a planet wide psychic interface.

Edith Cavell was standing there, because despite her being cool as hell, she was in fact only in the story so the Doctor had someone to talk to. "You know historically I'm a very three-dimensional and fascinating figure," she said, but by this point the story had lost all interest.

By this point, the Doctor had completed the device, and she turned it on.

* * *

Across the planet earth, on every single continent, every single human alive just then at that exact moment heard a voice in their head. The voice was tailored to them specifically - it was psychic, after all. And everyone alive heard the voice say - "I am the one true God. I am the only God that is real. There are no others. This is my sign, and I must say empirically that all who do not believe me should be killed, for this is the way," continued on with some more specific references to each particular religion it was sent to, and very quickly, humanity fucking descended.

842 different religious wars instantly started.

* * *

"What, seriously, did you just do that? That is SO offensive!"

"This world is now useless to the Rani! I see this as an absolute win!!" The Doctor said, as humanity exploded. "Look, Edith! We saved humanity!!!"

Inexplicably, The sky itself began to burn.

* * *

The Rani swore. "No! Curses!" She shrieked. "I will not be used in this cruel manner! This has the Doctor's fingerprints all over it! Well, Doctor!! I will track you down, and I will destroy you!!!!!" She bellowed. She then twiddled her thumbs, and tapped her foot impatiently.

"Four episodes from now!" She finished.

* * *

Edith Cavell freaked the fuck out about what the hell was going on, and the Doctor, rather happily at that, got into the TARDIS, having foiled the evil scheme yet again! There were absolutely no negative side effects from this series of events.

As she got into the TARDIS, she ignored the fact that the TARDIS was leaking blood, and not working at all, and piloted the TARDIS off to find Danieru and Sarah.

* * *

Danieru and Sarah entered Seattle's central chamber to find inexplicably, Joseph Williamson there.

"Joseph Williamson! The Mad Mole!" Danieru said, happily.

"Jesus christ do you know everyone or what," Sarah said disgruntledly. "You're supposed to be the new companion."

"Have you seen this place, women?" Williamson spat. "I am convinced it is some kind of altar to a Pagan God. A place of much cruelty, I'll warrant. And in great disrepair."

They looked upon the central statues.

"What are they called?" Sarah asked.

"The Meri. No relation to the Mouri." Williamson growled. "Two of them are missing."

"Not for long, mate!" Evil Dan said, malevolently, entering the room. "Ha Ho Ha Ho"

Evil Yaz wandered in behind him. "Catchphrase!" She snarled dramatically.

"Who are you?" Sarah asked.

"We are here to unveil the Doctor's greatest secrets!" Evil Yaz said - pointing at Evil Dan to be quiet, because he totally couldn't do exposition. "Swarm and Azure once attempted to unleash the entity known as Time here on the Planet Time - our quest is to unleash the creature known as Seattle!! IN THE CITY OF SEATTLE!! NO RELATION!!!!"

"NO!" Sarah Connor yelled. Because they had evil in their names, so what they were doing must be bad.

"BUT FIRST! WE WILL PUT YOU IN THE STATUES OF THE MERI!"

"um, Yaz? Did we ever explain the meri? do they know why that's bad!"

"THEY'LL FIGURE IT OUT!" Evil Yaz shrieked.

The Doctor entered. "What? What's going on?"

"I have no fuckingg clueeee" shrieked Sarah.

"FIVE," evil dan began.

"What"

"FOUR"

"Please! Tell me what's going on!" The Doctor pleaded.

"THREE"

"Leave them alone!" She hissed.

"TWO"

"We REFUSE to explain ANYTHING! NOTHING SATISFYING ABOUT OUR EXISTENCE WILL EVER BE REVEALED!"

"That's so evil!"

"Thanks!"

"ONE"

[Snap]

This Story (Hypothetically) Starred
Brenda Blethyn as The Doctor
Linda Hamilton as Sarah Connor
Rinko Kikuchi as Danieru
Jessica Hynes As Edith Cavell
Siobhan Redmond as The Rani
Nicholas Briggs as The Tetraps
Sam Niell as Military Colonel #44858943439852403827
John Bishop as Evil Dan
Mandip Gill as Evil Yaz
Steve Oram as Joseph Williamson
Mads Mikkelson as Grand Marshall Hugo Endeavor