NCJDDAS: Dear Diary

NCJDDAS: Dear Diary

Day One

Time is relative, so I am recording my Diary of my experiences in the TARDIS under Day One instead of Year 99999999999999999999999999 followed by year 1947, followed by year 2. So. There's that.

Hello Diary,
I am Cherry. And Yes, I know you aren't just a Diary and that everything I write in this book gets sent back to Gwen at Torchwood, so it's more a report, So I'm calling it Diary.

Today, the Doctor's time machine took me to my first alien planet.
The Doctor took me around the city saying that adventure would happen sooner or later, and everyone's first TARDIS trip is rather something, and then nothing happened, we got an ice cream and left.
It was pretty much earth minus the fact that the air was skin.

The fear still haunts me.

Anyway, the Doctor kept insisting on giving me a good first planet, and attempted to set the console to someplace called "Ska-ro" until Roman yelled at her to fuck off. As I'm writing this in the side room, I can still hear their argument.
For all of the TARDIS being bigger on the inside, and infinite, and all that jazz, the rooms feel very close together.
I miss Marsha. Gwen, if you're reading this, tell her I'm coming for her.

Day Two

Dear Diary,

Today the Doctor insisted on me going to a "proper planet and all that" and attempted to set the controls for Veratasha Nine. We ended up in London 2019. Evidently the TARDIS avoids the following year for some reason.
Luckily for the Doctor's mood, some aliens showed up.
The public didn't seem to notice (Although Tivoli is evidently the most invaded planet in the galaxy, London is by far the most invaded city.)
(Also Earth is the most invaded planet now, they messed up the Census poll)

The Aliens called themselves McCrackians, and The Doctor said they had encountered before, previously having tried to outlaw air from Parliament. I said this was silly, but the Doctor, Roman, all the aliens, and everyone on the planet stared at me as if I was an idiot.

They then said that they were here to outlaw water, and then the Doctor informed them that multiple politicians had already tried outlawing water, but had given it up and filled it with microplastics.

The aliens left soon after the Doctor gave them a speech about being the most important lady ever or something.
(Roman was vomiting the entire time)

Day Three

Dear Diary,

Today the Doctor didn't go anywhere in the TARDIS, but plopped me on a plastic school chair in the middle of the TARDIS and explained to me the science of Temporal Paradoxes.

I tried to ask several questions, but the Doctor kept screaming whenever I asked something that rule one of time paradoxes was "time do what the fuck it feel like"
Roman added that this was the Gallifreyan way of teaching.
Beats Mitochondria is the Powerhouse of the cell.

After I wrote "Time do what the fuck it feel like" on the board two hundred times, the Doctor said this had legitimized me as a companion. She gave me a TARDIS key. Roman then showed me how a sonic screwdriver was, which was the same thing basically, he had me write "Sound Waves are Magic" on the board another two hundred times, and then the Doctor took Queen Elizabeth out of the Closet and she gave me a knighthood.

The Doctor keeps insisting she'll return Queen Elizabeth someday.

Day Four

Dear Diary,

Today I met King Arthur! I was astonished to meet a real historical figure, and I was very honored to meet him. Then he said some Racist crap, I kicked him in the bum, and we were declared enemies of England for all time.
So evidently, I am no longer Dame Cherry Classified.
Luckily, the Doctor picked Queen Elizabeth out of the closet, and bonked King Arthur on the head with her, and he fell over and died.
I asked if this was okay, and Roman and The Doctor ominously chanted "Time do what the fuck it feel like" and donated Queen Elizabeth to a medieval farm.

After we got our knighthoods back.

Day Five

Dear Diary,

Today the Doctor described that we were about to engage in inexplicable horrors, and then met the Master in a bar. They played pool for two hours. The Master kept trying very meek ways at killing the Doctor, just for kicks, but they were easy to notice and avoid. Evidently the Doctor says the Master does this from time to time, invites the Doctor over, and wants to spend time with them, but saves face by attempting several mild death attempts.

I swear to god these two are adorable.

Meanwhile, Roman and I talked to the bar members. Evidently the place was called "Cheers," but it isn't anymore, because Roman tore off Norm's skin and put it on the front of the bar for decoration, and then the place got barred to the public, so we set it on fire.

It amuses me. For all that Roman acts self superior, and all that, he's the same little git the Doctor is.
Right down to being kicked out of Bars by London police.

Day Six

A thing got into the TARDIS today. The Doctor called it a Hypercube, and it was mail from a time-lord. Evidently, The Monk had killed Andrew Jackson, and wanted the Doctor to fix it.
I asked why we couldn't leave this alone because "time do what the fuck it feel like" but the Doctor pointed to rule five of time paradoxes, which said "The Monk cannot have fun"
I could have sworn the Doctor only went over one rule of time paradoxes before, but it was there.
We arrived in the oval office, where The Monk literally had shot Andrew Jackson in the head with a revolver. The Doctor asked why several times, but the Monk just kept saying "Oopsie Daisy"

Roman asked why the Monk hadn't learned to clean up after himself, and the Monk muttered "Status Quo is God," and The Doctor grumbled, and sent Roman into the TARDIS. He came back with a rag doll with the words Andrew Jackson scrawled on it in permanent marker, and a list of all laws that Andrew Jackson would vote for or Veto. We put the list on the desk, along with a sticky note saying the doll was president now.

It went over rather splendidly.

Day Seven

Dear Diary,
I got your message, Gwen.

You say that this behavior is un-Doctor-like. That this woman is the Valeyard, the end of all things, and death of the endless.

She's not. She's really not, she's a crazy old girl who is trying to do good, despite the firebombings.
She's not Hela, god of death, she's the friendly nextdoor neighbor from a sitcom. The kind of random freak who does terrible things and whatnot, but you love and you care for and you sympathize with.
They might be a freak. But I'm having so much fun! I...I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is okay, but I feel made for this. I feel like I'm making a difference, which I never did with Torchwood before.
She might not be the best person, but she's not like, literally Hitler. I won't do what you're asking me to, I've changed. And this will be my last entry reporting to Torchwood. I can't actually do it, but I'm metaphysically handing in my resignation. And as for my last order:

I won't carry out the orders to kill her.

Piss off.

The End

This Story (Hypothetically Starred)

Scarlett Johansson as (Dame) Cherry Classified/Narrator
Dame Judi Dench as (Dame) Doctor of TARDIS
Sir Patrick Stewart as (Sir) Roman of Advoratrelundar
Sir John Cleese as The Monk
Tricia Janine Helfer as The Master
With
Queen Elizabeth
King Arthur 
And Andrew Jackson as Themselves
A Rag Doll as The Real Andrew Jackson
And
Alexandria Mathie as The Race of Aliens That Randomly All Look Like Mother McCracken