NCJDDAS: Vive La Revolution
Starring Judi Dench and David Thewlis
Chapter One
Cherry awkwardly slouched by the TARDIS console. "Doctor, do you have a minute?"
"No one has a minute," The Doctor said, puffing her pink petticoat. "Time isn't anyone's. It moves forward, constantly, rail against it how you like, but we are all subjects of time's petty whims."
"Wait, why are you being philosophical?" Cherry asked. "Has Roman finally brainwashed you?"
"I wish!" Snorted Roman from the back room, walking into the TARDIS console room with tea and biscuits.
"You're right, I am acting out of character." The Doctor said, imputing the final coordinates into the TARDIS dematerialization circuits. "However, It will not be mentioned again as it was a cheap joke. No, Cherry, I do believe I have found a way back towards the 1920s."
"Oh! We can pick up Marsha, My Previously Unnamed Girlfriend? How?"
"Consider the following," The Doctor began, a twinkle in her eye. "Space and time travel through the vortex are nearly identically achieved. Otherwise TARDIS's wouldn't work. I mean, time travel is all well and good, but it's pretty damn useless if you don't use space travel because of the constant rotations and minor shifts in alignments of planets that take place even day to day, much less millennia to millennia. Therefore, the time lords needed to utilize Spaceship Maneuvers in the time vortex, TARDIS's automatically detect anything ahead in the vortex, move away from it and all that. So, I, knowing that you can do a barrel roll in space, have decided to do a barrel roll into the time vortex and hope for the best."
The Doctor smiled unnervingly while slamming down several levers.
"For the last time Doctor," Roman growled, "It's called an Aileron roll!"
The TARDIS careened into the pavement of London. It collapsed on it's side on the sidewalk, crash landing.
"So, Doctor, what did we learn?" Roman asked, opening the sideways TARDIS door and rolling out in an undignified fashion, before offering the Doctor and Cherry a hand.
"That doing an quote unquote aileron roll in the time vortex sends you to London. Because the time vortex always sends you to London." The Doctor finished, annoyed.
Cherry brushed her flowy skirt off. Her pearls had broke, she desperately clambered for them.
"Doctor, not to say Roman's dialogue for him, but what made you think that would work?"
She pointed morosely. "What's that, Doctor?"
A bunch of people in late 1700s clothing walked by, carrying various weaponry, ranging from pitchforks to machine guns.
The Doctor's eyes recognized it well. "Cherry, that's the French Revolution. In The Wrong Year."
Chapter Two
Roman rolled his eyes. "Well, what are a bunch of French Revolution people doing here in London- what year is it?"
The Doctor flopped onto the ground and dragged her tongue across the sidewalk for an uncomfortable amount of time. "2011." She concluded.
"Come on, how do you do that? You can't tell the year by the-"
"No, you're right, I look it up on the TARDIS scanner ahead of time." The Doctor said, suddenly rushing after the revolutionaries.
"THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LICK THE SIDEWALK"
"Come on, come on!" Cheered The Doctor, "Let's see what these guys are doing!"
They rounded the corner. The chanting crowd was setting up a guillotine. A politician you hate (You see, you fill in the blanks here) was being led up to it to be executed.
The chop of the axe fell. The Doctor winced.
"What's going on?! This is more than an reenactment, they're wearing the same clothes, using the same methods (with added machine guns) and killing the rich people!" The Doctor said. "It doesn't make sense!"
"THE PROLETARIAT SHALL RISE!" Cheered Roman, forgetting himself. He coughed a bit, and sheepishly muttered. "Well, I, um, didn't care for that politician."
Cherry took a gun out of her purse. "Doctor, two good shots and those guards are out. Can you rescue the next politician in line?"
"Why bother, they're politicians!?" Roman asked, until the Doctor glared at him.
"Got it. Once you shoot the guards, they'll come after you, you need cover, and some high ground." The Doctor said.
"Golly, I worked for Torchwood, Doc. You haven't seen anything yet!" Cherry said, taking out a pen a tube of lipstick and a what looked to be a small plastic rod. She fashioned them to the end of her pistol, and she realized the gun was meant to come apart in pieces.
If Cherry had an lipstick tube that she assembled her bloody sniper rifle with, The Doctor thought, maybe she wasn't so bad.
Cherry volleyed herself onto the roof of a nearby building, climbing up the drain pipe.
She readied her gun.
The Doctor walked into the crowd. “Hi guys! Who we burning? I’m super into collapsing miserable rich people’s lungs, come on, show me!” She gabbered, walking over to the crowd.
“Oh, it’s Judi Dench. You know, honestly, With my type of life, you tend to expect a bit more,” said the Middle Aged Man in the middle of the crowd, chewing his thumb half mindedly. “I’m John Dee-”
“Don’t care.” Said The Doctor, observing the guillotine in the center of the square. “What do you think is changing the masses? Something has to be related to their newfound feral personalities.”
“I tend to think if you tell a person to do something for long enough, they simply snap.” The man said, twirling his suitcoat. “People are so much more malleable than you give them credit.”
“Oh, fine, taking the bait, who exactly are you supposed to be, Passerby dude?” The Doctor turned.
“Didn't I say? John Dee. From the Sandman.” The Man said calmly, licking his lips. “Snap.”
Chapter Three
The gun fired, although it wasn’t Cherry’s.
There were multiple snipers on the rooftop, it seems. Cherry rushed upwards. Where was the Sniper? What had? She felt a sharp impact hit her skull and she blacked out.
“And that’s a wrap,” yelled Dee above the din, as the bullet hit the Doctor in the chest and she crumpled. “Fold up the set, put away the lights, we’re done for the day,”
And the world folded up like a box, ceiling into floor into wall, into ceiling. Until there was nothing but the Doctor’s and Cherry’s bloodied bodies lying on the floor of a void.
“Maybe it’s just me, but we seem to get into a lot of these,” muttered Roman, being prodded by a gun into the room.
“Roman. Roman, Roman, Roman, Roman, Roman.” Said John Dee “Roman, Roman, Roman. I’m very disappointed in you, giving up that presidency for a job with the Doctor. I’m afraid this episode isn’t about you though, mores the pity, for our most defined character.”
“What are you pulling?” Roman growled.
“I’m villain numero uno. I beat Darth Vader, believe it or not, So I’m the villain of this episode. Welcome to the Land of Fiction. We just filmed the Doctor’s death for usage on our TV station, and now we’re going to compress your entire existence into the written word, and publish you. It may be fatal.”
“What kind of game are you playing, John Dee from the Sandman for some reason?” The Doctor hissed.
“Oh, you sweet summer child, I’m not playing. I’m cheating.” He swirled his fingertips through the air. “I’m sorry you won’t survive your publication, but needs must,”
Two robots began to attempt to smash Roman between the pages of a giant book.
Chapter Four
“Wait, wait, hold up,” gargled The Doctor, getting up from off of the floor. “How the fuck are we in the Land of Fiction? Have we been in here the whole time?”
“I’m busy crushing this man, Doctor,” complained John Dee gesturing to the Attempted crushing of Roman. He got out a gun and shot the Doctor in the face.
She put it back together, now being played by Dame Maggie Smith. “Foolish of you really, Moriarty, mind robber territory, remember! I’ll switch back to Judi Dench in a few minutes. Now, tell me, what’s going on here?”
“I’m afraid we’re entered a prompt where a character from another piece of media has to show up in the land of fiction, and rather than write a coherent story involving that, the writer shoehorned it and me into this story involving brainwashing the population into Frenchman.”
“What? We’re doing another one of these prompt contest things?! We never win them!!”
“I’m ‘Fraid So.”
“Okay then, Cherry, can you imagine John Dee being whacked with a giant hammer??”
“What?” Screamed John Dee, angrily.
A bunch of people in late 1700s clothing walked by, carrying various weaponry, ranging from pitchforks to machine guns.
The Doctor's eyes recognized it well. "Cherry, that's the French Revolution. In The Wrong Year."
Chapter Two
Roman rolled his eyes. "Well, what are a bunch of French Revolution people doing here in London- what year is it?"
The Doctor flopped onto the ground and dragged her tongue across the sidewalk for an uncomfortable amount of time. "2011." She concluded.
"Come on, how do you do that? You can't tell the year by the-"
"No, you're right, I look it up on the TARDIS scanner ahead of time." The Doctor said, suddenly rushing after the revolutionaries.
"THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LICK THE SIDEWALK"
"Come on, come on!" Cheered The Doctor, "Let's see what these guys are doing!"
They rounded the corner. The chanting crowd was setting up a guillotine. A politician you hate (You see, you fill in the blanks here) was being led up to it to be executed.
The chop of the axe fell. The Doctor winced.
"What's going on?! This is more than an reenactment, they're wearing the same clothes, using the same methods (with added machine guns) and killing the rich people!" The Doctor said. "It doesn't make sense!"
"THE PROLETARIAT SHALL RISE!" Cheered Roman, forgetting himself. He coughed a bit, and sheepishly muttered. "Well, I, um, didn't care for that politician."
Cherry took a gun out of her purse. "Doctor, two good shots and those guards are out. Can you rescue the next politician in line?"
"Why bother, they're politicians!?" Roman asked, until the Doctor glared at him.
"Got it. Once you shoot the guards, they'll come after you, you need cover, and some high ground." The Doctor said.
"Golly, I worked for Torchwood, Doc. You haven't seen anything yet!" Cherry said, taking out a pen a tube of lipstick and a what looked to be a small plastic rod. She fashioned them to the end of her pistol, and she realized the gun was meant to come apart in pieces.
If Cherry had an lipstick tube that she assembled her bloody sniper rifle with, The Doctor thought, maybe she wasn't so bad.
Cherry volleyed herself onto the roof of a nearby building, climbing up the drain pipe.
She readied her gun.
The Doctor walked into the crowd. “Hi guys! Who we burning? I’m super into collapsing miserable rich people’s lungs, come on, show me!” She gabbered, walking over to the crowd.
“Oh, it’s Judi Dench. You know, honestly, With my type of life, you tend to expect a bit more,” said the Middle Aged Man in the middle of the crowd, chewing his thumb half mindedly. “I’m John Dee-”
“Don’t care.” Said The Doctor, observing the guillotine in the center of the square. “What do you think is changing the masses? Something has to be related to their newfound feral personalities.”
“I tend to think if you tell a person to do something for long enough, they simply snap.” The man said, twirling his suitcoat. “People are so much more malleable than you give them credit.”
“Oh, fine, taking the bait, who exactly are you supposed to be, Passerby dude?” The Doctor turned.
“Didn't I say? John Dee. From the Sandman.” The Man said calmly, licking his lips. “Snap.”
Chapter Three
The gun fired, although it wasn’t Cherry’s.
There were multiple snipers on the rooftop, it seems. Cherry rushed upwards. Where was the Sniper? What had? She felt a sharp impact hit her skull and she blacked out.
“And that’s a wrap,” yelled Dee above the din, as the bullet hit the Doctor in the chest and she crumpled. “Fold up the set, put away the lights, we’re done for the day,”
And the world folded up like a box, ceiling into floor into wall, into ceiling. Until there was nothing but the Doctor’s and Cherry’s bloodied bodies lying on the floor of a void.
“Maybe it’s just me, but we seem to get into a lot of these,” muttered Roman, being prodded by a gun into the room.
“Roman. Roman, Roman, Roman, Roman, Roman.” Said John Dee “Roman, Roman, Roman. I’m very disappointed in you, giving up that presidency for a job with the Doctor. I’m afraid this episode isn’t about you though, mores the pity, for our most defined character.”
“What are you pulling?” Roman growled.
“I’m villain numero uno. I beat Darth Vader, believe it or not, So I’m the villain of this episode. Welcome to the Land of Fiction. We just filmed the Doctor’s death for usage on our TV station, and now we’re going to compress your entire existence into the written word, and publish you. It may be fatal.”
“What kind of game are you playing, John Dee from the Sandman for some reason?” The Doctor hissed.
“Oh, you sweet summer child, I’m not playing. I’m cheating.” He swirled his fingertips through the air. “I’m sorry you won’t survive your publication, but needs must,”
Two robots began to attempt to smash Roman between the pages of a giant book.
Chapter Four
“Wait, wait, hold up,” gargled The Doctor, getting up from off of the floor. “How the fuck are we in the Land of Fiction? Have we been in here the whole time?”
“I’m busy crushing this man, Doctor,” complained John Dee gesturing to the Attempted crushing of Roman. He got out a gun and shot the Doctor in the face.
She put it back together, now being played by Dame Maggie Smith. “Foolish of you really, Moriarty, mind robber territory, remember! I’ll switch back to Judi Dench in a few minutes. Now, tell me, what’s going on here?”
“I’m afraid we’re entered a prompt where a character from another piece of media has to show up in the land of fiction, and rather than write a coherent story involving that, the writer shoehorned it and me into this story involving brainwashing the population into Frenchman.”
“What? We’re doing another one of these prompt contest things?! We never win them!!”
“I’m ‘Fraid So.”
“Okay then, Cherry, can you imagine John Dee being whacked with a giant hammer??”
“What?” Screamed John Dee, angrily.
“Sure thing!” Said Cherry, using the psychic interface of the Land of Fiction to yeet John Dee into the distance.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAA” Screamed John Dee, being yeeted into the distance.
“So, that was remarkably easy. You know, it reminds me. I once looked like David Thewlis, it was like a whole thing, I think.” The Doctor, having reverted back to Judi Dench, happily chirped.
Roman punched out the robots about to crush him in the book. “Wait a second, does that mean that there’s a chance we punched out the Doctor’s previous self there?
“Well, considering our luck-”
Meanwhile in the distance, the twist reveal that John Dee was not actually John Dee but the Doctor in a regeneration that looked like David Thewlis in an elaborate Seventh Doctor-esque plan happened.
“Oh, flying fish sticks,” Muttered The New Doctor, getting up. Or rather the old Doctor, he’s a previous regeneration. “How am I supposed to use my overcomplicated plan to save the world now? If only the Doctor hadn’t fallen for my John Dee disguise so completely, then the French Revolution would already be defeated! And I wouldn’t be talking out loud to myself awkwardly!”
He wandered forward. “Okay, stay calm. Nice and brooding. I’m certain you can figure this out, Doctor, I mean, whole future self thing. Whatever. Okay, Land of fiction psychic warp, how do you do it?” He struggled for a moment comedically before teleporting himself back to the Doctor.
“Doctor!” He proclaimed.
“Doctor.” She muttered. “You honestly were trying to kill us back there, or?”
“Oh no,” he said, “I was trying to fake out the real evil person in charge of all of this, Darth Vader, into thinking I had killed you and there was no way he could lose! There was only a minor chance of me actually killing you.”
“Oh, well that’s excellent then, bravo, sorry I ruined it,” she said.
“MIND INTERPRETING THIS FOR ME!” Cherry screamed.
“Oh, come now, you met the one played by Sandra Oh, didn’t you? Suffice it to say there’s plenty of them,” Roman said, half interested. “We get a new Doctor every other week.”
“Wait, Darth Vader,” said The female Judi Dench Doctor, suddenly horrified.
“Oh, yeah.....” The David Thewlis Doctor trailed off...
“YOU HAVE FAILED ME FOR THE LAST TIME,” Said Darth Fucking Vader, igniting his lightsaber, angrily Pointing it towards the two Doctors.
“Oh, bollocks,” they both said simultaneously.
Chapter Five
The Doctors, Cherry and Roman, all turned and ran.
“Darth Fucking Vader! Seriously! I thought this series had more dignity in it to insert Star Wars of all things!” The Doctor yelled.
Roman yelled back, “Dignity? Hahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaahaha-”
“Point taken!”
“WHO IS THE BLACK HELMET MAN WITH THE LASER SWORD OH MY GOD” Screamed Cherry.
“You haven’t shown her Star Wars yet? Oh come on, Future Me! First thing you show someone who travels with you from before 1976 is Star Wars! It’s just plain relevant to our line of work!” The Doctor complained to The Doctor.
The Judi Doctor responded. “She’s a gay flapper, she hasn’t stopped watching Chicago on Loop long enough!”
“THEY HAD IT COMING!” Cherry began melodically screaming.
“This is lovely banter, really, but that is Darth fucking Vader, any ideas on what we do?” Roman growled.
“I mean, we’re running, aren’t we?” The two Doctors said in unison. “Oh come on this is such a cliche stop talking on top of me it’s not even a funny gag, STOP IT! STOP IT!” They continued.
“Well if no one has any ideas, I have guns in my high heels!” Cherry suggested.
“Oh, great, pass em’ around!” The Judi Dench Doctor suggested to the David Thewlis Doctor’s mild horror.
“No, they’re in my high heels. Like Bayonetta.” Cherry explained.
“Once again, how do you not know Star Wars and know Bayonetta!?”
“One of them isn't gay! Shut up, we need to keep running!”
“Wait, this is the land of fiction. We can do that psychic thing where we summon what we need from our imagination!” The Dench Doctor suggested.
“When was that ability added to the land of fiction?” Roman asked, lampshading.
“Oh, shut up, here’s a lightsaber.” Said The Doctor, handing Roman a lightsaber, to which he laughed cheerfully.
Chapter Six
“YOUR ATTEMPT TO ESCAPE IS PITIFUL. YOU ARE INSIGNIFICANT COMPARED TO THE POWER OF THE FORCE.” Darth Fucking Vader said, moving forward menacingly.
“Well, we have lightsabers now. And the power of imagination!” Cheered The Judi Dench Doctor.
“Shut up!” Screamed Roman and The David Thewlis Doctor simultaneously. “Oh no now we’re doing the simultaneous talking! Stop it! No, you Stop it!“
“CEASE YOUR PRATTLE. YOU ARE SOON TO BE MERE DEAD MEN.”
His lightsaber flashed and Roman fell over. He waved it towards the Doctors and Cherry.
“DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT THERE IS NO ESCAPE?”
“Something something Light side something something I’ll shank you,” yelled The Doctor swinging her saber forward only for Vader to grab her wrist.
“YOUR FORM IS PRIMITIVE, OLD WOMAN.”
“Aww geez, help guys-” The Doctor blubbered as Vader nonchalantly threw her into a wall.
The other Doctor and Cherry struggled to come up with ideas.
“I have no pop culture references to utilize whatsoever,” muttered Cherry nervously.
“Oh come on, he’s hardly trying! He’s moved his sword once, and he’s already knocked out future me and Roman! He could totally take us out!”
“How do you know Roman again, if you’re a past incarnation of the Doctor!”
“Not the time!”
Vader moved forward, deftly readying his blade, and The Doctor and Cherry awkwardly charged.
He then moved like lighting, the Doctor’s blade being blocked and then sliced in half, and then the Doctor felt Vader’s blade scorch his shoulder before he fell down.
Cherry moved her saber to block Vader’s attack, and Vader tripped her casually. As she fell backwards in the air, her High heel Bayonetta gun went off, shooting Vader straight through the brain. He fell over, blood everywhere.
Cherry fell over as well, undignified.
“That was sheer unadulterated luck that makes me wonder if you’re related to someone named Mary Sue.” Roman growled, getting up from the wall.
“Well, actually It’s the land of fiction. The rest of you clearly feared what That guy could do, and I had no clue what he was, so it was easy for me to beat him because I had no frame of reference!”
“Whoopee!” The entire cast said anti climatically.
Epilogue:
The Doctor returned to the TARDIS, now noticing another by its side. “How did we not notice that the first time we landed here?”
“I don’t know, this is pseudo London Paris Land Of Fiction, We’ll just have to accept it.”
“Well, thanks, Past Me,” the Doctor said. “Unlike Sandra Oh’s cameo in the last season finale, you were at least moderately useful!”
“Gee, thanks.” Muttered The Past Doctor. “Do I get recurring character status?”
“Possibly, off you go,” said The Doctor, shoving her past self into his TARDIS. He dematerialized.
“Well, that was a job well done!” She said, happily.
“What I don’t understand is how Darth Vader, an aspect of the Land of Fiction could be behind this when he didn’t deliver any exposition about how he planned it all or how The David Thewlis Doctor relates to it!” Cherry said,
“Aw gee wiz, I do hope it’s not blatant arc welding,” the Doctor smiled awkwardly.
“It is,” said Roman, accustomed to these things.
Meanwhile, there was a roomful of screens, and the Celestial Toymaker watched them ominously on all of the screen, chanting: “BLATANT ARC WELDING! BLATANT ARC WELDING!”
This was not at all added at the last minute to fix the episodes deficiencies.
The End?
This Story (Hypothetically) Starred
Dame Judi Dench As The Doctor
David Thewlis As The Doctor/The Doctor’s John Dee
Scarlett Johansson as Cherry
Sir Patrick Stewart as Roman
David Prowse as Darth Vader
James Earl Jones as The Voice Of Darth Vader
Robert Redford as The Celestial Toymaker
and Featuring BLATANT ARC WELDING BLATANT ARC WELDING BLATANT ARC WELDING BLATANT ARC WELDING BLATANT ARC WELDING BLATANT ARC WELDING BLATANT ARC WELDING BLATANT ARC WELDING BLATANT ARC WELDING BLATANT ARC WELDING BLATANT ARC WELDING BLATANT ARC WELDING BLATANT ARC WELDING BLATANT ARC WELDING BLATANT ARC WELDING BLATANT ARC WELDING BLATANT ARC WELDING BLATANT ARC WELDING BLATANT ARC WELDING BLATANT ARC WELDING BLATANT ARC WELDING BLATANT ARC WELDING BLATANT ARC WELDING
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