NCJDDAS: Weakest Link of The Daleks Part One
Inspired by Tim Mohr’s similar Star Trek story
Previously On Doctor Who…
Danny, the Doctor’s closest friend is dead.
He’s not coming back this time. As The Doctor, Roman (Romana’s New Male Body) and Cherry, Torchwood Agent, return from the funeral to return Cherry to her home time of the 1920s, trouble strikes….
Chapter One
BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP
The Alarms Blared. The Cloister Bell Toiled. From deep in the time vortex, a blue box that was bigger on the inside was crashing through time and space, falling in and out of dimensions, and inside, the three occupants were very worried.
“We’re going to crash!” Yelled the Doctor, frantically pulling levers.
“For God’s Sake!” Growled Roman, trying to equalize the damage the Doctor was doing to the console. “What the hell have you done to this thing? You were supposed to just hit the Fast Return switch, and now we’re crashing through dimensions!”
“IT’S DIFFICULT TO DO THAT WITH A BACK SEAT DRIVER!” The Doctor hollered at Roman.
“Oh, I’m so sorry that I’ve stopped this old thing from crashing eight times now!” Roman retorted.
“Excuse Me!” Said Cherry, standing in the corner overwhelmed. “You said you were taking me back home after the funeral!”
“Allow me to explain,” the Doctor replied, pulling levers frantically. “Shit happens.”
Roman came up behind her and pushed down every lever the Doctor had pulled up and unpushed every button she had pressed. “Only when she pilots!” He replied.
The room tilted, and Roman and Cherry slammed against the wall.
The Doctor hung onto the console with all of her life.
“We’re going down!!!”
The TARDIS landed, a smoking wreck, in the belly of a familiar space station.
The Doctor, Roman and Cherry rushed out of the blue box, coughing from the billowing smoke.
“Golly, the thing’s singed all over!” Cherry said. “Where are we?”
“Bad Wolf television studios.” The Doctor said, pointing at the embroidered words riveted into the metal wall. “Satellite Five.” She growled. “Not a nice old place.”
Cherry blubbered. “I’m sorry, how do you know this place?”
“Hundreds of lifetimes ago, I came here.” The Doctor said. “It isn’t fun, they played life or death game shows here.”
“They did what!?!” Roman growled, still angry about his performance on Rigel Three’s got Talent. “I am not going to get myself in one of those again!”
Cherry couldn’t contain yourself. “You mean to say that we’ve been deposited in a different era of time and space?!”
“That’s the gist of it.” The Doctor said. “Funny word, gist. Gist, gist, gist, gist-“
“Oh, what a wondrous place!” Cherry said, astonished. “Although I’m well aware of electrical devices from my work in Torchwood, this is beyond anything I’ve ever seen!”
“Well, it would, we’re in Space. Also, Ms. Exposition, we need to find out what’s going on here. The past three times I got here, it was because of the influence of an entity known as Bad Wolf.”
“Oh, I say. Nursery rhymes are hardly what I was expecting from this century.” Cherry replied, joyfully.
Roman butt in. “Oh, dear. What does it say below that?”
Beneath the Bad Wolf logo, there was a sign labeled authorized by Starcorp.
Chapter Two
“Oh, that’s lazy.” The Doctor said. “In the first season they make vortex manipulators, in the second there are references to them making Gods, and now? I mean come on. Why is this a constant thing? It wasn’t even a great arc in the first place.”
Cherry made a face. “I’m going to ignore that because I don’t know what it means!” She said, cheerily.
“There are doors over here leading to the television studios, come now!” Roman said. “Whatever this place is, it warrants investigation. We didn’t tiger for no reason!”
“Tiger?”
“Well, when the author was writing this, they meant to write Get here, but autocorrect happened and they thought that that was just too amusing, so now it’s confusedly lying there.”
“Can we get to plot? Please?” The Doctor whined.
They wandered into the studio, to a familiar trash can-esque silhouette.
“GREETINGS. WELCOME ONE AND ALL, I AM DALEK ANNE AND THIS IS THE WEAKEST LINK!”
“Oh, bugger.”
Chapter Three
“We’re on the weakest link. Okay, fine. Makes some amount of sense, I suppose,” the Doctor said.
Cherry, doubting this statement, screamed.
“TONIGHT, ONE OF OUR EIGHT CONTESTANTS COULD WIN THE RIGHTS TO THE PLANET EARTH ITSELF. IN THE WEAKEST LINK! BEGIN THE CHANGE TO SCRIPT FORMAT!!!”
The Doctor: Wait, what?
Roman: The Fiends! They’ve changed the story to script format, so we can’t attack them without the use of stage directions, which the weakest link doesn’t have!
Cherry: Who the weevil are these guys?
Dalek Ann: LET US INTRODUCE OUR CONTESTANTS! WHO ARE ALL ALREADY HERE! WE HAVE NO STAGE DIRECTIONS!
The Master: Hello, I’m The Master! And You’re Gonna Obey Me.
The Rani: Hello, I’m The Rani! And, I...do science. Not much else.
The Celestial Toymaker: Hello, I’m GOD. With toys.
Roman: Um, what? Is it my cue, um, Hello, I’m-
The Monk: Hello, I’m The Monk, and I like to think of myself as trustworthy.
Davros: Unimaginable Power! Unlimited Rice Pudding!
Cherry: Um, Hi, I’m Cherry..Classified? It’s my name? Oh god, what is this
The Eleven: Hello, I’m...The One, The Two, The Three, The Four…
Dalek Ann: THANK YOU FELLOW CONTESTANTS!
The Doctor: Are you forgetting a contestant, or…
Dalek Ann: THANK YOU EVERYBODY, AND LET’S PLAY...THE WEAKEST LINK!
The Doctor: Cherry, Roman, I’ll figure out a way out of this! Just play the game, and I’ll find the power and try and cut it out! Um, I can’t move. No Stage directions. Um, okay, so, you just play then. Try and win the earth please!
Dalek Ann: MASTER! WHAT STATE IS A LITTLE NORTH OF SOUTH CAROLINA?
The Master: North Carolina.
Roman: Oh, this is gonna be easy.
Dalek Ann: CHERRY! WHAT IS 2 TO THE THIRTY SECOND POWER!
Cherry: ...Aw, fuck.
Dalek Ann: I’LL ACTUALLY ACCEPT THAT. DAVROS, WHAT IS THE CORRECT SOCIAL DISTANCING PROTOCOLS DURING THE TIME OF THE CORONAVIRUS IN THE YEAR 2020?
Davros: An interesting thought experiment... The only living thing...a microscopic organism...reigning supreme...to hold in my hand a capsule that contains such power, to know that life and death on such a scale was my choice... To know that the tiny pressure of my thumb, enough to break the glass, would end everything... Yes, I would do it! That power would set me up above the gods! AND THROUGH THE DALEKS, I SHALL HAVE THAT POWER!
Dalek Ann: STAY SIX FEET AWAY FROM ME, DAVROS, JEEZ. THE ELEVEN, WHAT IS YOUR OVERALL NAME AS A TIMELORD, DISCOUNTING INDIVIDUAL REGENERATIONS.
The Eleven: You mean, like, if the Doctor is the Second Doctor and I call myself the second, I am the second what?
Dalek Ann: YES, YOUR OVERALL CHARACTER NAME. WE NEED TO CONFIRM WHETHER WE CALL YOU “COLLECTIVE” OR NOT.
The Eleven: My real name is Little Susie.
Dalek Ann: LET’S JUST GO WITH WHAT WE HAVE. MONK, WE’RE GOING TO GIVE YOU A LIE DETECTOR TEST.
The Monk: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHH
Dalek Ann: Celestial Toymaker! What is the airspeed velocity of a swallow?
Celestial Toymaker: African or European?
Dalek Ann: Shut up. Rani, how does one perform Block Transfer Computation?
The Rani: By saying 01001001 00100000 01100001 01101101 00100000 01100111 01101111 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01101011 01101001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00001010
Dalek Ann: Ow, geez! The Rani is disqualified for using block transfer computation to turn my head into the physical manifestation of pain! Calm down, Rani! Wait, why is my text black? Who did that? Celestial Toymaker, I’m looking at you! And your godlike powers! Okay, fine. Roman! How exactly did Jack Harkness become the Face of Boh?
Roman: Forehead Surgery.
Dalek Ann: Correct! Wow, okay everybody! Time’s up, and you have banked nothing, because this game is for the ownership of the earth, certainly not money. Also you all are bloody idiots. Time to vote off...the weakest link!
Voice-Over: Roman and The Master were the strongest links right now. The Rani was actually more correct, but she’s been disqualified. Cherry was the most average link. Davros was the weakest. But will these tea brains notice?
Dalek Ann: Okay, who’d you all vote for?
The Master: The Celestial Toymaker!
The Celestial Toymaker: The Monk!
The Monk: The Celestial Toymaker!
Roman: The Master!
Cherry: The Monk!
Davros: The Celestial Toymaker!
The Eleven: The Celestial Toymaker!
Dalek Ann: Cherry, Why’d you vote for the Monk?
Cherry: Well, this is all really surreal and I have no clue what’s going on, so I picked the most likely one to leave that’s not god.
Dalek Ann: Davros, why’d you vote for the Celestial Toymaker?
Davros: I’m the best racist Doctor Who villain!
Dalek Ann: And with four votes, the Celestial Toymaker is gone! We’re already down to six, and It’s time for Round Two, of...the weakest link!
Chapter Four, Round Two
Master! Please explain your remark two seasons ago about having several regenerations as an eggplant.
The Master: 🍆😉
Dalek Ann: Please vote off the Master this round. Cherry, what is the mantra Dorothy uses in the Wizard of Oz?
Cherry (nervously chanting): There’s no place like home there’s no place like home there’s no place like home
Dalek Ann: Correct!
Cherry: What?
Dalek Ann: Davros, what is the purpose of the Medusa Cascade?
Davros: Across the entire universe, never stopping, never faltering, never fading. People and planets and stars will become dust. And the dust will become atoms and the atoms will become... nothing. And the wavelength will continue, breaking through the rift at the heart of the Medusa Cascade into every dimension, every parallel, every single corner of creation. This is my ultimate victory! The destruction of reality itself!
Dalek Ann: Correct! The Eleven! What famous actor appears in that M Night Shyamalan movie with multiple personalities?
The Eleven: Ooh! I know this! It’s- LA LA LA LA LA KITTENS,shut up Eight!
Dalek Ann: Incorrect! Monk, you Crook! What is President Nixon most famous for saying?
The Monk: I AM NOT A CROOK!!!!!!!
Dalek Ann: Correct! Roman! Dame Judi Dench starred in the movie ___fall!
Roman: Spy! OH GOD WAIT NO
Dalek Ann: Incorrect! Alright, you freaks! You’ve banked nothing! Which one of you is one heart short of a time lord?
(Insert Canned Laughter)
Dalek Ann: Time to vote off...the weakest link!
Voice-Over: Davros and The Monk were the strongest link that round. The Master was the most cursed, and Roman was the weakest. But will the contestants notice?
The Master: The Monk!
Cherry: The Master!
Davros: Roman!
The Monk: The Eleven!
The Eleven: The Monk!
Roman: The Monk!
Dalek Anne: Cherry, why’d you vote for the Master???
Cherry (Tearfully): You...told me to!
Dalek Anne: Monk, why’d you vote for the Eleven?
The Monk: Come on! We have to vote him off Eleven times!!! It’ll take ages! I gotta get started!
Dalek Anne: Well, I’m sorry, I can’t say you will be! The Momk, You’re the weakest link! Goodbye! Time for Round Three!
Chapter Five, Round Three:
Dalek Anne: Master, explain the War Chief.
The Master: ….That was the Monk in drag.
Dalek Anne: We’re getting back to this later. Cherry, what is your last name?
Cherry: Classified.
Dalek Anne: No, really.
Cherry: Classified.
Dalek Anne: I won’t have such insubordination on my show! Davros, what is the Doctor’s most famous invention, that begins with Sonic?
Davros: The man who abhors violence, never carrying a gun, but this is the truth, Doctor: you take ordinary people and you fashion them into weapons... behold your Children of Time, transformed into murderers. I made the Daleks, Doctor, you made this.
Dalek Anne: For my creator, you’re pretty dumb. The Eleven, what is your favorite regeneration?
The Eleven, (Changing Voices): Me! No, Me! You all are idiots, it was clearly me! Shut up, Nine! It was me! No, You shut up!
Dalek Anne: I don’t know what to say about that. Roman, how many regenerations as the Doctor had?
Roman: Twenty-Six!
Dalek Anne: That discounts the timeless child, meta crisis, War Doctor, second meta crisis, and many others! Incorrect! Now, it’s time to vote off...the weakest link!
Voice Over: Roman has been the weakest link for two rounds in a row! Cherry hasn’t been much good either! Actually, no one was good at ALL that round. No one answered anything correctly! But will the contestants notice? Probably not, their combined IQ is 2.
Dalek Anne: Vote off the weakest link!
The Master: Roman!
Cherry: The Eleven!
Davros: Roman!
The Eleven: Roman!
Roman: The Eleven!
Cherry: Oh no.
Dalek Anne: Roman, you are the weakest link! Goodbye!
TO BE CONTINUED...
This Story (Hypothetically) Starred
Dame Judi Dench as The Doctor
Scarlett Johansson as Cherry
Sir Patrick Stewart as Roman IV
Nicholas Briggs as Dalek Anne
Michelle Yeoh as The Master
Julian Bleach as Davros
Robert Redford as The Celestial Toymaker
Sir John Cleese as The Monk
Bette Midler as The Rani
And
Mark Bonnar as The Eleven
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