NCJDDAS: The Rani Electric

NCJDDAS: The Rani Electric

With Ideas from OhNoNotTheMemes and Windsprite

and a Timeline from Arbrax

Chapter One

“So,” The Doctor said. “You and me. We’re trapped in a room. It’s slowly closing in. In about an hour, we’ll be crushed into ludicrous gibs of blood and gore. No way out. No way in. Just the two of us, stuck together, about to die. What do we need to do to get out?”

The Rani sat on the floor, arms crossed. “You’re the hero. Hero us a way out of here, won’t you?” 

The grey walls moved in. The Rani growled. 

“59 minutes now,” The Doctor said. 

“This is worse than the time I was a fifty foot tall eggplant,” the Rani muttered. 

The Doctor rolled her eyes, well aware of the context to this sentence, of which the audience will never know. 

“This is worse Than the time my 473d regeneration had a-”

“Oh, fuck off.” The Rani said. “You aren’t the 506th regeneration, we both know you’re the 26th, and you lie to sound impressive. See here, I have the canon timeline.”

The Rani handed her the Real and Not Fake Timeline of Doctors.

“Well, I can’t argue with that, I suppose.” The Doctor muttered. “Anyway, Rani, what do we do? It’s a boxed room. We haven’t been handed any ultimatum or anything. What’s the storyline here?”

“It’s a two hander. To save budget.” The Rani guessed.

“You say that, but the NCJDDAS have infinite budget, look at this in my hand, it’s a 

fully rendered CGI planet earth with every single building and person intact.”

“That’s very impressive,” said The Rani. 

A voice fell out of the unknown. It called to them. It spoke with both of their voices, overlapping on top of eachother like some kind of unknown monstrocity, 

“I AM THE SARCOLINE GUARDIAN. SHUT UP! SARCOLINE IS A COLOR. YOU PEOPLE DIDN’T QUESTION THE BEIGE GUARDIAN. I EXIST. ANYWAY, I HAVE COME TO DELIVER THE ULTIMATUM.” 

“Ooh, what is it?” The Doctor asked. 

“YOU ARE TO NAME WHAT MAKES THE RANI DIFFERENT FROM OTHER TIME LORD VILLAINS, OR YOU WILL BE KILLED.”

“OH FUCK,” The Doctor and The Rani said. 

Chapter Two

“So, how many Rani’s are there?” The Doctor asked. 

“What?” 

“We need to find out what makes you special, or we’ll be killed.” The Doctor explained. “How many incarnations have you had so far?”

“Six.” The Rani muttered to herself.

“That’s in itself impressive, Roman, The Master, The Monk, The Collective, they die at the drop of a hat. Literally, do you wanna see, I have this recording of me crushing them all with a giant hat,” the Doctor attempted to show the Rani her phone, but the Rani raised her head upward, snootily. 

“I’m certain that’s not it. Roman’s only on...like, seven.” The Rani said. “And four of those happened in the last three weeks.”

“What about science?” The Doctor asked. “You’re a brilliant scientist, is that your thing?”

“You’re also a scientist.” The Rani replied.

“What about amoral female scientist who likes guns?”

“You’re also an amoral female scientist who likes guns, keep up!” The Rani complained. 

“Hmm.” The Doctor muttered. “This is difficult!”

“I know!” Complained The Rani. “I know what I am, but I can’t put it into words…”

“You’re a pantomime villain?” The Doctor suggested.

“The Master, Monk and Eleven are all definitely panto villains.” The Rani replied. 

“You’ve been played by Kate O’Mara!” The Doctor cheered. “The other villains definitely haven’t been!” 

“No, the Monk did, remember! He was also played by Kate O’Mara!”

“When?”

The Rani showed The Doctor a video of Rufus Hound being beat up and regenerating into Kate O’Mara.

“That’s confusing.” The Doctor said. “Who’s to say you and The Monk aren’t the same person in a wibbly wobbly timey wimey thing!?”

“No, the Monk did drag as the War Chief. I didn’t.” 

“I FORGOT ABOUT THAT ONE JOKE WE HAD IN THE SEASON OPENER!” Complained The Doctor. “He was the War Chief, right? This is unfair. All of this levied towards you can equally be levied towards the War Chief!” 

“That he’s basically the Master, yeah.” The Rani said. “Unfortunately people think he’s the Master.”

“I got it!” The Doctor said. “SARCOLINE GUARDIAN, The Rani is the Master!”

“What??” Asked The Rani, confused. 

“OH. THE RANI IS THE MASTER? HOW? CAN YOU EXPLAIN THIS FOR ME?” 

“Um, sure.” The Doctor bluffed, badly. “Let me tell you a story about me and The Rani.” 

“THIS IS AN ANTHOLOGY?”

“Not really, no...” The Doctor supposed. “No, really, we have another one scheduled. This… is a flashback.” 

The weird movie flashback ripple that movies sometimes do to denote a flashback appeared. 

“This better be good,” The Rani muttered under her breath before the flashback took over the screen completely. 

Chapter Three

It was a while back, I suppose. I remember being a lady, but that doesn’t narrow it down much. I was the blonde one, I think, with the rainbow on my chest and the weird coat that didn’t quite work. I had just discovered my past, and the truth that I was really a time thingy with a bunch of old regenerations, which had pissed the Master off. He had dug deep into the Gallifreyan archives, and I got sent into a prison and then all of the events of season 13 happened, but whatever, anyway, I popped into a parallel universe for a lunch break. An alternate timeline, a universe where I was played by a different actor, because it was a parallel universe. 

Who, you ask? Um, Julie Andrews. I was played by Julie Andrews. No, Rani, I didn’t just make that up! This is a real story! Achem. Anyway, I delved deep into this alternate timeline’s catacombs, and found the earliest part of the Matrix...The physical library, filled with scrolls too dangerous to have their information put into the Matrix. The very heart of Gallifrey, the earliest records of the timelords. The truth that was covered up in our universe, the real reason Gallifrey was destroyed, for none could know. And I discovered the real source...of regeneration energy.

Caramel. Yep, that golden plasma that takes over the body and renews it. 

It is entirely Caramel. 

There’s nothing else, it’s just Caramel.

 Deep in the archives, there is a man, a timeless man, known as the Kandyman, and he drips all of his life energy into a big ol’ vat of caramel, which Gallifrey dunks all of the babies in. If they don’t drown, they become time lords. The stuff about the untempered schism? It’s not a view into the time vortex, it’s just a window, and you look through it, and you see the Kandyman and the Silence doing a rave in the vat of caramel, and you either go mad, or be inspired, or whatever, and when you look away, you forget it was the Silence and The Kandyman having a rave. 

This drove the young Master mad. He couldn’t cope with the facts of caramel, so he, um, made a vow. He discovered the Kandyman’s secret vat in the heart of Gallifrey, and he plunged himself into the Caramel, but you can’t be exposed to the sacred caramel more than once, so he began to die. Tecteun, the secret keeper of the caramel, came down there, and she and the Kandyman made an effort to save the child. She made several molds, out of sugar and chocolate, of the Master’s body, and then she filled them right up with Raspberry filling, and made life size dolls of the Master. And as the Master died, she made many attempts to copy him, so he would still yet live. 

The first mold was filled, and this young time lord wasn’t quite like the Master, wasn’t quite the clone they wanted, he had too much interest in religious iconography, he was then on, set free, known as the Monk.

The second was filled in an attempt to make the Master alive again, and this clone one was you, Rani. It was closer. But you weren’t a copy of the original, you were too science focused! So you were set free as well. 

The third attempt was a man named James Dreyfus. They really fucked it up though, he should never have been set free, but he escaped,  pretending to be the Master, but he was actually not the real master, who survived when they gave him CPR. 

And now you know the origin of Gallifrey. All the important time lords are actually Chocolate clones of the Master. Or they’re caramel. Literally depends on the person. 

This is the true origin of us time lords. The Timeless Children stuff is utter rubbish, you heard it from me first. 

Chapter Four 

“What.” The Rani muttered, disbelieving. “What.” 

“WELL, I BELIEVE IT!” said The Sarcoline Guardian, and he set them free. 

“Please tell me you made that up!” The Rani screamed. 

“This story shall keep it ambiguous whether it is the complete and utter truth, or whether I just have a sweet tooth and am good at improv.” The Doctor said. She got into the TARDIS. “See you next week!” She called to the audience.

The Rani sat there, screaming and cursing, as the Doctor disappeared into the unknown.

“Do we even get a line in this one?” Asked Roman and Cherry, who were inside the TARDIS the whole time.

And the TARDIS was gone, a faint smell of caramel in it’s wake. 

The End

This Story (Hypothetically) Starred
Dame Judi Dench as The Doctor

Bette Midler as The Rani

Jodie Whittaker as The Thirteenth Doctor

Julie Andrews as An AU Doctor

Rowan Atkinson as The Sarcoline Guardian

Nicholas Rowe as The Kandyman

And

One bloody line from Roman and Cherry