(MAIN RANGE): All Flesh is Lettuce
(MAIN RANGE): All Flesh is Lettuce
Starring Cillian Murphy as The False Doctor, Lisa Bowerman as Bernice Summerfield and Sir Patrick Stewart as Roman
Featuring Alison Pill as Lottie
Continues on from We Who Are Many
Ties into Lottie's arc in the trilogy of Are You Missing Any Planets, The Dalek Noun Adjective and Time Daleks Of The
Relative Ties into Time Lord Victorious. Spoilers for Love and War.
Season Finale
Previously On Doctor Who...
The Doctor and Roman escaped a black hole from a collapsing starship and crash-landed on Legion, only for the Doctor to disappear. Roman and Bernice Summerfield, quickly had to work together when they found The Doctor replaced by a slick young man that totally wasn't Cillian Murphy. Then the Hoothi, one time Bernice Summerfield villains from Love and War showed up, and Benny and Roman attempted to trust this new Doctor to defeat him. Except for the fact that they judged wrong and the new Doctor from another world is actually a violent egomaniac. Who knew?
Chapter One
He was not the Doctor. Not the Doctors that Roman knew. Not a sweary bastard in a white cardigan or a bohemian adventurer in a scarf. Not like the Doctors Benny knew, the short man in the sweater with the question mark cane and the slow yet awful temper, or the one from another universe, who deep down was still like the Doctor, for good and for ill.
The twirling man in the suit laughed, and laughed and laughed. "What if I told you both options were wrong! What if I told you we're actually one person, no split personality, and you lot are a bunch of gullible gits!!"
Not the Doctor, no. He was from somewhere else. A far away universe, where instead of black and white morality, they had blue and orange. A Doctor unbound by kindness or caring, or even common decency. There was nothing unique about him. The two distinct personalities rubbing off the Doctor's incarnations in a way that was like The Eleven, the suit and combed-pretty boy hair, a parallel doctor like the Valeyard, and the general slick and hammy demeanor of The Rani and The Master. He felt fabricated, and Roman was ever so angry he had allowed this false figure to trick him without a thought.
"Oh, I can't believe this." Benny sputtered. "We've been tricked and now we're going to be blown up by the Hoothi, who honestly, after so many years of my life, don't even rank high on 'the people I've pissed off' list."
"If it makes you feel better, the Hoothi genuinely believe I'm the real deal, bless them." The Not-Doctor said, typing away at the console Benny and Roman had foolishly allowed him to access. "I'll just summon my getaway car, so to speak, and then I'll be out of your frying pan and you'll be into the fire."
"Not a phrase." Benny coughed.
Roman growled. "When I thought someday the Doctor would be the death of me, I didn't think this. You cannot do this, whoever you are."
"I always think that if you're capable of something, you might as well do it, let people know." The Not-Doctor said, pointing the revolver at Roman, and firing.
A bullet in his back. Wonderful, Roman thought. He felt his blood trickle onto the floor. He gasped in pain.
"And my cab should be here any moment," The Not-Doctor said, only for a police box to dematerialize in mid-air, and slam into his face, a blonde woman falling out of it, screaming.
"What- What the Hell?" She screamed, getting up.
The Police Box lay sideways, on top of the false Doctor, and she jumped to see Roman and Benny, both with gunshot wounds, Roman's hand falling lopsided.
"Oh, okay, guys, oh my god, I, alright, I'm, I'm a physicist, not a Doctor, how do you, how do you seal gunshot wounds oh that is a lot of blood-"
Benny nursed her wound. "Who are you?!" She yelled.
"I'm Leticia Palaver! My Friends call me Lottie, but I only have one at the moment, and her police box has crushed a man!"
"Well, in fairness, he was a very bad man!" Benny took a moment to realize. "You know the Doctor!?"
"Yes! I- I stepped into her TARDIS for the first time, and woah boy, I am here now!" She said, worriedly.
"Take care of Roman first. His wounds are definitely worse, and he's been shot twice."
"That the old guy, oh- oh wow! He looks quite unconscious- okay. So, what do I do?"
Benny pulled herself up and leaned against a table. She tore off a bit of her sleeve. "Here. Stifle his bleeding."
Regeneration energy spewed from Roman's unconscious body.
"Woah, oh my god oh fuck-" Lottie gasped, stepping backwards. "What's happening to him?"
"You know the Doctor?" Benny said, working on handling her own bleeding. "They kind of do this kind of thing."
Chapter Two
Roman was in darkness. Not pitch darkness, but the darkness you get when you close your eyes at night before you go to bed, that enveloped him. Swarmed around him, but he wasn't shot like he thought he was. He was standing in it, he didn't feel any pain. He wondered for a moment if he was dead. No, he still had around eight regenerations going about. And as Semi-President, he could probably issue himself more. Oh right. Gallifrey wasn't really well these days.
No, this was some kind of psychic communication. He knew these black voids, where the darkness extended around forever, and the only thing he could see was his reflection in about an inch of black water surrounding his boots.
"Romanadvoratrelundar." A Voice Echoed Through The Void. "We are the Kotturuh. We have come for your renewal."
Roman breathed heavily. "The Kotturuh. Now there's a name I haven't heard in a long time. What do you want?"
"You know the legends." The Kotturuh said.
"You dictate the life-cycles of all species in the cosmos. You brought death to the universe. And you're a lot less friendly then the kind in the Terry Pratchett books." Roman grumbled.
"We have come to bring you new life." The Kotturuh said.
"New Life?"
"For our purposes. We have artificially extended this face of yours. The Last time you regenerated, we forced it into this form once more. We wish to do so again."
"Well, thank you, but perhaps I'm ready for something new at this point. I liked being Ian McKellen for three stories, and Lalla Ward and Juliet Landau are positively classics." Roman said.
"If you do not keep this face, you will die. The two bullets in your chest, they are made of matter not known in this universe. There is matter, and anti-matter. We call this kind semi-matter. What it does to the body is weird. You will not survive if you do not take our offer."
"What about Benny? She got shot too!"
"Well, yes, but she's Bernice Fricking Summerfield. It is written she shall live until Doctor Who itself dies. If anyone kills Bernice Summerfield, the Kotturuh will come for those bastards and make their life a living hell. Achem. Nonetheless, Roman, your body is running out of time. Your regeneration will not finish if you do not accept the terms of the Kotturuh."
"And what are these terms?"
"You shall serve as the Kotturuh's herald, and take upon our tasks."
Roman gulped. "And, what, I may ask, does that entail?"
"We limit lifespans. You shall end them for us."
"Am I understanding this right? You want me to be a contract killer?"
Chapter Three
Lottie and Benny watched as the regeneration swirled around Roman. His wrinkles decreased, and suddenly his robes flowed around him, opening up like a flower and transforming into the full time lord regalia. Roman woke up.
"Roman!" Benny called. "Are you alright?"
Roman stepped up. "Physically, I'm absolutely perfect. As for the other thing, well, the Kotturuh want me to commit genocide on the Hoothi."
"What? What the hell's a Hoothi? Is it like an off-brand toothbrush?" Lottie asked.
"The Hoothi are the aliens bombarding this planet thinking that that man is the Doctor, when in fact, he's a fake-o from a paralell universe. The Hoothi have caused so much death in the universe, that the Kotturuh want an agent in this realm to fulfill their deeds. Evidently, limiting their lifespan is not enough. Termination of their species must commence."
"Wait, what? You'd commit actual genocide? Even on the Hoothi, that seems harsh."
"The Kotturuh are basically in charge with their vague-ass powers, and they've decreed it, or I kick the bucket."
"And you're going to?" Benny asked. "Are you going to do it?"
Roman sighed. "Being the president is about making the tough call. I don't know what I'll do, yet, but I have to fulfill what I promised to them."
"And why would you promise THAT?" Benny yelled, angrily.
"For two reasons. One. I need to be alive so I can save the Doctor. Whoever and wherever they are. Two, if I don't do it, the Kotturuh will find a worse man than me to do what they want. If you're going to commit genocide, Better be a man with scruples."
"Um, sorry, it's genocide?!" Lottie yelled. "Who are these guys anyway!"
"Yeah, Roman," Benny said angrily, "It's GENOCIDE!"
Roman sighed heavily. "I don't know what I'll do, alright!?" He barked. "If only the Doctor were here.."
They heard a scraping in the corner, and the Not-Doctor pushed himself back up. He spoke with A different voice, not as energetic or mocking as before, but cold and serious.
"Well." he said. "Since you asked..."
"No." said Benny, before punching him out again. "Okay, any other options?"
Chapter Four
In the skies above Legion, the Hoothi rained hell upon the planet. The Hoothi are fungal creatures, that travel through space in giant organic spheres that fire gases of toxins and Hoothi spores down on the planet.
They had recently collapsed about a fourth of Legion city.
Giant tubules of vegetation and clouds of spores rose up from the city depths. There was screaming and chaos, and death. The Hoothi were absolutely loving it.
Roman, Benny and Lottie came out into the street.
"DEATH! DEATH! DEATH! DEATH!" Chanted the Hoothi infected people.
"Benny, what about your friends?" Roman asked. "We need all the help we can muster."
Suddenly, Ruth and Jack, half their faces covered in Hoothi Spore jumped them, screaming chanting of death.
"Nope! Okay, don't touch them! The Hoothi are essentially a biological equivalent to the Cybermen! They will do anything to spread, but here's the fun bit! You don't need to be alive for them to pick up your body and make it a zombie movie thing!" Benny yelled.
"HOW IS THIS FUN!" Lottie yelled.
Roman gritted his teeth. "How did the Doctor beat them last time?"
"A super morally grey move that really pissed everyone off." Benny spat. "...Fire. It was fire that tricked them, but it was also an experiment in eugenics for war that gifted someone pyrokinesis, so perhaps it wasn't even normal fire. Also they died. Rather horribly, I believe." Benny still looked horrified at the memory. "So, if you dare tell me that we're doing that again, I will just walk off."
"Understood." Roman said authoritatively. "...Well come on! We're three of the Doctor's best! We can come up with a solution, if anything can!"
"Perhaps now isn't the time to mention that I made the Doctor so mad she abandoned me on a Dalek prison planet for being and I quote, 'amoral?'" Lottie said timidly.
"So, correct me if I'm wrong, but this is one of those horrible against all odds thing we can only defeat with a deus ex machina?" Roman commented.
The Hoothi versions of Jack and Ruth came back into view, leading a crowd of Bernice Summerfield side characters, all being mind-controlled by the Hoothi.
"Quite possibly." Benny responded.
Chapter Five
The Hoothi spheres continued to lay massive shadows that hung over the city of Legion, and inside them the Hoothi laughed maniacally, tentacles flailing. The Hoothi's flesh had been damaged by a psychic ray, recently, which had the side effect of making them look like incredibly low budget sci-fi B movie monsters. It had no effect on any of their abilities besides intimidation.
The Hoothi's tentacles continued to wave over their controls, like cheap puppetry.
"SOON, DEATH WILL COME TO LEGION." The Hoothi said, out loud, to no one in particular, because it was a hive-mind entity, so really, despite it sounding intimidating, it was, well, to no one in particular, because all the other Hoothi in the room were also that Hoothi, and also every Hoothi.
The Hoothi stayed silent for a moment.
"SECRETLY, GUYS, I'M VERY LONELY."
The White Rabbit
The Not-Doctor came to. He got up, dusting off his suit jacket. "Hm." He said to himself. "Can't escape. May as well-"
"Stop." A smooth clipped voice from behind the bar, and a man in a suit of indeterminable color (Either grey, brown, beige, or another boring color) stepped out from the shadows, brandishing a gun.
"And who are you, exactly?" The Not-Doctor asked.
"Come now. You know exactly who I am," said Irving Braxiatel, pouring himself a drink while still keeping the gun steady at the Not-Doctor.
The Not-Doctor smiled softly, leaning in. "Irving Braxiatel, I'd assume. It is your bar."
"You got it." Braxiatel said, suavely. "Although you do seem familiar, I don't think you are what I think."
"I'm The Doctor," He lied.
"Where you come from, maybe. I only care about the one from here, myself." Braxiatel responded. "Where is he? The man I dragged out of the wreckage."
"I replaced him. He's gone. Not coming back," The Not-Doctor said in a smooth whisper.
"You do know what this gun is?"
"A Gun, I'd assume."
Braxiatel fired the gun into The Not-Doctor's leg. "A gun that now has five bullets."
The Not-Doctor winced.
Braxiatel fired again. "Four!"
The Not-Doctor collapsed, clutching at his knees.
"Now. This can be all Sesame Street, and we can count backwards from Four-" Braxiatel tapped the gun. "Or you can tell me where the Doctor really is."
For the first time there was a bit of fear in the false Doctor's eyes.
Chapter Six
Bernice Summerfield's wrist-communicator beeped. "Brax!" She exclaimed. "We're in a bit of a problem here, surrounded by Hoothi and all that."
"Yes, yes," Braxiatel responded, the communicator making his voice all static-y. "I found out where the Doctor is from our friend the imitator. And not only that, he told me everything he knows about the Hoothi. Get this- The Hoothi vaporise instantly when tapped with a vegetable."
"What?" Roman, Lottie and Benny yelled.
"Yep," Braxiatel said. "If any of you has a slice of Lettuce, you can instantly purify a body of Hoothi, or kill one of the big tentacly Hoothi organisms. Makes you wonder why the Doctor bothered with setting Ace's boyfriend on fire."
"He's just like that." Benny said.
Benny's communicator beeped off. "Well, do any of you have any vegetables on you?"
Roman took a celery stick out of his pocket.
Benny stared at him.
"The Doctor kept it on their lapel, all the time!" Roman said, irritably. "I was going to try it!"
Roman stabbed at the Hoothi chasing them, and suddenly the crowd was Hoothi free.
"Well. Our lives are no longer in super danger." Benny said. "Now all we have to do is worry about the moral dilemma involving the Kotturuh."
"Oh, I forgot about that." Lottie said.
Chapter Seven
The Hoothi ships were about to retreat. Their entire ground forces had been defeated once Braxiatel opened up the Kitchen Refrigerator.
That's when suddenly, Bernice Summerfield's ship, canonically called The Irvefield, caught up with them, and Roman, Lottie, Benny and Brax stepped out onto the Hoothi's bridge.
"YOU HAVE MASSACRED OUR INVASION FORCE." Said the Hoothi. "OUR SPECIES BARELY SURVIVES. WE REQUIRED LEGION FOR IT'S RESOURCES. DUE TO YOUR DEFENSE, THE HOOTHI SPECIES WILL SOON BECOME EXTINCT."
"I'm sorry." Roman said. "To be fair, you did try to kill us all and convert us into mindless zombie slaves, all to kill the Doctor, who as a matter of fact, wasn't even there."
"WHERE IS THE DOCTOR AGAIN?!?"
"The alternate Doctor from another universe who is evil tied him up in his TARDIS, which was disguised as a Pac-Man arcade in Brax's bar." Roman said. "But it's the same TARDIS, just from a different universe. So he rigged up a thing that teleported himself back to his own TARDIS, which had been stolen by the War Chief. She's now tied up in The Alternate Doctor's TARDIS."
"AND WHERE IS HE NOW?"
The Doctor stepped out of the Shadows.
"Oh, I had to say hello." He said. "Hoothi, Roman's made a very smart choice. You aren't going to die like the Kotturuh asked. I..am going to trick them." The Doctor smiled. "If we send you to the other universe. The one that the alternate Doctor's from...they won't be able to find you there. If you happen to not be a genocidal maniac, we may even find you a planet of your own, for you to settle down, and live the rest of your days.'
"WHY MERCY?"
"I'm a different man these days. Well, no, although I am no longer short, angry and scottish. No. People are defined by their friends. And Roman here is a very good one."
The Hoothi looked at The Doctor, Roman, Brax, Benny and Lottie.
It had several strange thoughts that a Hoothi had not thought before.
"TH A NK YO U?" It said, barely capable of pronouncing the words.
Chapter Eight
The Doctor stepped back into his TARDIS. His own TARDIS.
The War Chief as played by Kristen Bell was lying knocked out on the floor.
"I'd love to come with you, Doctor." Roman said. "But I don't know what plans the Kotturuh will have for me next."
"Well, I most certainly will come with you," Lottie said, walking over to the TARDIS and stepping inside before a strange zapping noise, and a disappearing into nothing, and a faint shrieking of "Not Again!"
"Is that a sequel hook?" Benny whispered.
Roman stood there for a moment. "Will I ever see you again?"
The Doctor smiled. "One day, I'll come back. Yes, I'll come back. But I doubt either of us will be the same. And let's be honest, Roman. You don't really need me, do you?" He smiled, and Roman smiled back, but it was a lot sadder. The Doctor stepped back into the TARDIS, and closed the door, and walked back inside. He breathed. His TARDIS again, at last. The Doctor and The TARDIS faded away.
Roman stood there, with Benny and Brax. Things were at last, peaceful. Benny and Braxiatel walked off, reuniting with Ruth and Jack for new adventures.
Then, The Kotturuh appeared. Billowing Black Cloaks, fluttering in mid-air like a Dementor.
"We sense you have done well. No More Hoothi exist in this universe. We have a new task for you, Romanadvoratrelundar."
Roman gritted his teeth.
"We would like you to kill the Doctor..."
Roman gasped, and stepped back. "No. I won't. I won't do it. You can kill me first." He yelled.
The Kotturuh screamed with anger. "You do not understand! The Doctor's lifespan has ended! Her current Regeneration! A Certain Version! The Elderly Woman You Travelled With! You Will Trigger Her Newest Regeneration! Or You Will Die!"
And Roman was whisked into the Time Vortex before he could say any more.
The Doctor's newest regeneration was coming. And it was going to be his fault.
To Be Continued...
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