(MAIN RANGE): How To Kill The Doctor In Five Minutes Flat
(MAIN RANGE): How To Kill The Doctor In Five Minutes Flat
Starring The Fifth Doctor as played by Peter Davison, Nyssa as played by Sarah Sutton and Tegan as played by Janet Fielding
Chapter One
The Doctor, Tegan and Nyssa milled about the console room. It took time to get places, and Tegan demanded the company. Not that Nyssa minded though. Nyssa didn’t mind at all.
The Doctor stood there awkwardly. Nyssa remembered when he had been so larger than life, all scarf and inanity, but as he was right now, he bumbled around words, and for moments she almost considered him normal. It sometimes shocked her to see him otherwise, for those brief moments where his eyes would flash manically, and he’d do something astonishingly clever. But for the moment, he was normal and humble, and Nyssa thought she'd never get used to it.
The Doctor began to initialize the final dematerialization sequence, and readied himself to land.
"Tegan, Nyssa-" He called, suddenly worried.
Pixelated Text flew onto the TARDIS's 80s like computer.
HELLO DOCTOR
LET'S PLAY A GAME
JUST ME AND YOU
NO NEED TO LET ANY OF YOUR SILLY HUMAN PETS GET INVOLVED IS THERE
MEET ME WHERE IT ALL BEGAN OR MY HOSTAGES WILL DIE
COME ALONE OR THEY DIE
CALL UNIT OR ANY OF YOUR OTHER FRIENDS THEY DIE
CHEAT THE GAME AND THEY DIE
I WILL NOT HESITATE
I AM EVERYWHERE
The Doctor stared at the screen, utterly petrified. "My god. Doctor, it's straight out of America's most deadly serial killers!' Tegan blurted.
"You have to let us come, Doctor!" Nyssa said.
"No, Nyssa!" The Doctor snapped. "Whatever's going on here, it's personal. They have hostages, lives are at stake!"
Nyssa bit her lip.
Tegan growled. "Doctor, you must be crazy if-"
"Tegan, No!" The Doctor said angrily. "Whatever's going on, for once, it's deadly serious."
The TARDIS landed.
The Doctor stepped over to the entrance. "I'm going to lock the door. For once, I want you to listen to me. This isn't any kind of thing where I say you don't come but you come after me anyway. You stay in here, where it's safe."
"Doctor, there must be some kind of thing we can do!" Nyssa cried, but the Doctor had already stepped out of the TARDIS and closed the door.
The Doctor stepped outside into the fog of I.M. Foreman yard.
"Doctor. I'm so glad you could come."
Chapter Two
"Who are you?!" The Doctor asked to the mist surrounding them. In the mist stood a silhouette, a cloaked woman.
"Doctor, I'm being ever so understanding, I-"
A moment of silence.
"You weren't the one I was expecting." The Woman said. "I was hoping for Paul McGann."
"Aren't we all?" The Doctor joked. "I must say, I am starting to get extremely annoyed-" He said, stepping forward-
"Uh, uh, uh!" The Woman stopped him. "For every time you break a rule, I deactivate a level of my circuit breaker. When you get to 5, an entire planet will shatter into dust. Each other level will destroy a continent of said planet. I will not hesitate." She pointed at him, raising a remote to make a point.
"What are you doing?!" The Doctor yelled.
"You know, people say that beating the Doctor is difficult. Other people have had trouble with it, maybe even me once or twice, but really when you think about it, all you need is logic, common sense and ruthlessness."
The Fog cleared and The Doctor caught a glimse of the woman's face. "I...I recognize you."
"Of course you do. I'm wearing a psychic cloak. It automatically makes your brain think I look like Rita Hayworth." The Woman said. "Like I said. If you know what I am, you could play me. You could do some stupid reverse psychology thing and trick me. If I'm no one, you can't do anything. On your knees."
The Doctor, his hearts in his throat, knelt down onto his knees and placed his hands behind his head.
"Wonderful." The Woman said, taking a gun out of her pocket. "And The Other Rule On How To Kill The Doctor...Is... You Don't Monologue. You Don't Gloat." She fired into his chest three times. One for both heart, and another to kill mid-regeneration.
The Doctor fell to the ground, dead.
The Woman walked off, into the fog.
Chapter Three
Nyssa and Tegan had watched the whole thing on the viewscreen, and they were breaking down.
Tegan cried. "What do we do?" She leaned on Nyssa, crying her face off, while Nyssa emptily stared at the screen where the Doctor's body lay mid regeneration. It was a misshapen mess, half of it looking like Colin Baker and the other like Peter Davison, stretched out in some horrifying agony of a thing.
Nyssa remained silent. She didn't know what to say, so she hugged Tegan back. Somehow this would work out. It had to.
"That woman said something about how she was expecting another Doctor, right?" Nyssa asked. "She's...She's from the Doctor's future!" She realized.
"He doesn't have a future!" Tegan wailed.
Nyssa thought to herself. "He does." She said. "We have a time machine. The Doctor has a future if we have anything to say about it!" She said determined.
"Now, what does that mean?" Tegan groaned.
"It means, well, we should try going back!" Nyssa said, walking over to the TARDIS console.
"Woah, there, lady, neither of us can fly that thing!!" Tegan proclaimed.
"I'm certain one of us did in an umemorable serial." Nyssa commented, pulling on the controls.
"Also," Tegan said, "I've always wondered, how can you even attempt that if the controls are supposed to be isomorphic?"
"The writers forget it so frequently the controls are no longer isomorphic." Nyssa responded. "And since when do you know what isomorphic means?"
"I mean, um, hurr, durr, I'm silly old Tegan!" Reverted Tegan.
And Nyssa pulled the TARDIS controls, and stepped out of the TARDIS.
* * *
"Who are you?!" The Doctor asked to the mist surrounding them. In the mist stood a silhouette, a cloaked woman.
"Doctor, I'm being ever so understanding, I-"
A moment of silence.
"You weren't the one I was expecting." The Woman said. "I was hoping for Paul McGann."
"Aren't we all?" The Doctor joked. "I must say, I am starting to get extremely annoyed-" He said, stepping forward-
"Uh, uh, uh!" The Woman stopped him. "For every time you break a rule, I deactivate a level of my circuit breaker. When you get to 5, an entire planet will shatter into dust. Each other level will destroy a continent of said planet. I will not hesitate." She pointed at him, raising a remote to make a point.
The TARDIS dematerialized behind them, and Nyssa and Tegan stepped out.
"Oh, bugger!" Said The Cloaked Woman.
"Tegan, Nyssa, what did I tell you about not-" The Doctor began to say. "Wait, did you cross your own timelines?"
"Yeah, well, you died!" Tegan said.
The Woman made an annoyed face and She fired three times. One for both heart, and another to kill mid-regeneration.
The Doctor fell to the ground, dead.
Nyssa and Tegan rushed back into the TARDIS.
* * *
"Who are you?!" The Doctor asked to the mist surrounding them. In the mist stood a silhouette, a cloaked woman.
"Doctor, I'm being ever so understanding, I-"
A moment of silence.
"You weren't the one I was expecting." The Woman said. "I was hoping for Paul McGann."
"Aren't we all?" The Doctor joked. "I must say, I am starting to get extremely annoyed-" He said, stepping forward-
"Uh, uh, uh!" The Woman stopped him. "For every time you break a rule, I deactivate a level of my circuit breaker. When you get to 5, an entire planet will shatter into dust. Each other level will destroy a continent of said planet. I will not hesitate." She pointed at him, raising a remote to make a point.
The TARDIS dematerialized behind them, and Nyssa and Tegan stepped out.
The TARDIS dematerialized to the right of them and Nyssa and Tegan stepped out.
"Oh, bugger!" Said The Cloaked Woman.
"Tegan, Nyssa, what did I tell you about not-" The Doctor began to say. "Wait, did you cross your own timelines?"
"Yeah, well, you died!" Tegan said.
"Wait, are we doing this again? You aren't going to stop me, I'll just shoot him!" The Woman yelled.
Nyssa and Tegan stepped out of the TARDIS, nearby, and Tegan waved Hi to the other Tegan.
"Tegan, Nyssa, what did I tell you about not-" The Doctor began to say. "Wait, did you cross your own timelines?"
"Yeah, well, you died twice!" Tegan said.
"Look, I'm trying to do a very simplistic thing here," The Woman said annoyedly. "I should just shoot you two-" She fired at the second Tegan, but she didn't notice that the TARDIS had dematerialized again in the background and a slightly older third Nyssa jumped in front of the second Tegan, but then Tegan didn't die and so there was no need for the slightly older third Nyssa to exist, and then a giant frog fell out of the sky.
These things happen when you mess with time.
Chapter Four
"Look." The Woman said, incredibly annoyed. "It hasn't even been five minutes for me yet, and we already have a giant frog and three, no, two TARDISes and one Shrodinger's TARDIS that both exists and doesn't exist. And that isn't even talking about Shrodinger's Nyssa."
Shrodinger's Nyssa, the Nyssa that both existed and both didn't exist, attempted to apologize profusely, but only half of it came out, because she both existed and didn't exist.
The Woman made an infuriated face, which they couldn't see from behind her cloak and long black hair that extended out of it, and her black veil, but still.
"Didn't I specifically ask for neither of the and I quote, "two pets" to get involved?" The Woman said.
A TARDIS that wasn't a police box, but in fact was a doghouse dematerialized, and two pomerianians ran out.
"Don't look at me," One of the Tegans said.
"Pomerianians. Okay. Fine. I have no reason to complain about Pomerianians. They aren't causing any temporal issues." The Woman said, agitated.
"May I speak up-" The Doctor began-
"NO!" The Woman yelled, "NO, YOU MAY NOT! URRGH! REGARDLESS OF WHAT HAPPENS IN THIS SCENARIO, I FOR SOME REASON, CAN NOT KILL THE DOCTOR!"
"To be fair, you did do it twice." The Doctor pointed out.
"SILENCE!" The Woman yelled hammily, putting her veiled head in her hands.
The Giant Frog ribbited.
"Well, I, um. I can't shoot all of you." The Woman said. "Not without causing two more shrodinger Nyssa and Tegans to show up."
Shrodinger's Nyssa made horrifying noises that both did and didn't exist.
"OOH! I give up! I give up! Fine, fine, whatever! You win! I am definitely never doing this again!" The woman yelled. "I will play fair next time, just promise me, Doctor! Please promise me, that there will be no bullshit temporal science involved!"
"You'll have to ask Paul McGann." The Doctor commented jokingly. "But it works for me. Come along, Nyssa and Tegan. The rest of you, um, you can start a farm with the giant frog or join Faction Paradox or something."
"Whoopie!" Cheered the other two Nyssa and Tegan, The Shrodinger's Nyssa, the pomerianians and the giant frog, as the annoyed woman that was actually the Fourteen (as in the Eleven, the Nine or the Twelve) in a cloak dematerialized with a vortex manipulator.
She'll show up in future stories, probably. They'll also have to explain why she didn't have multiple personalities here, but to be fair, the writer was running out of villain ideas he could use for this one.
And Nyssa and Tegan and The Doctor walked back into the TARDIS, and dematerialized.
"Tegan, this is the wrong TARDIS! There are pomeranians in here!"
The End
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