NCJDDAS: The Last Adventure 1.4 It's A Coup!

NCJDDAS: It's A Coup! 

The Last Adventure Part Four of Six

Starring Judi Dench as The Doctor, Lisa Kudrow as Marsha and Scarlett Johansson as Cherry

From a Prompt by Giraffe

Chapter One

"I WANT TO GO HOME!" Marsha screamed. 

"You... want to go home?" Cherry asked. 

"I want to go home!" Marsha whined. "The events of the as of yet unwritten story that continues on from The Century Box by Gallifrey_Immigrant, they have left me positively bereft!" Marsha hammed in the way only Lisa Kudrow can, collapsing onto the floor of the TARDIS overdramatically. 

For, understandably, this serves as the first real Marsha story with her as a companion (no, Century Box and Living Doubt don't count) and now, you know that her primary character trait is overdramatic theater kid that never grew up whatsoever. A good therapist would say that this could be because of her difficult childhood (no parents) or the struggles of being a lesbian in the 1920s (yeah, major mood killer) but if we're being honest, Marsha had long come to terms with such things.

Marsha is just that person. You know. THAT one. You know them. 

Therefore, Marsha is bawling all over the TARDIS floor, and The Doctor and Cherry stare at her, and they are really quite unsure of where the plot is gonna go from here. 

Well. We're going home, I guess." Cherry said, morosely. 

* * *

The Doctor thinks to herself quite often. You probably know how impulsive she is. So, well, I hope you can forgive her if she makes the wrong choice from time to time. Her mental state is really quite something, and well, two days ago, Roman disappeared with a past version of herself, and she can't even remember where he went to. Two months before that, Danny fucking died. So, she's a bit fricked up. You see, she probably knew it was a bad idea to laugh maniacally, pull the TARDIS levers, and happily yell to Cherry. "You know what's a great spot in the multiverse!!? The Eighth eye of Caterieonaoiaoeiaiaoa! It's a gorgeous place, how about we go there, right now, hahahahahahahaa!"

"Doctor, I thought we were going home!" Cherry said. 

"HAhahahahahAHHAHAhahA" The Doctor said, having a nervous breakdown, as the TARDIS fell into the Vortex. 

Chapter Two 

I'm not sure if you remember Time Travelling Nixon. Well, you probably do. He's memorable. 

There's an alternate timeline where the Doctor is Mary Elizabeth Winstead, and yes, she did fight time travelling Nixon. A Richard Nixon who time travels. 

So, you see, the clue is in the name. 

He time travels.

And once in a while, an alternate timeline gets hopped. 

So, as the Doctor in her fit of emotional outburst accidentally shoved the TARDIS deeper into the Time Vortex than it really should go, the fringes of the other universe reached out, and suddenly what appeared to be Richard Nixon in a tuxedo with a terminator doc ock like mechanical torso fell out of the vortex and into the TARDIS's control room. 

Cherry started yelling even more furiously.

Marsha yelled louder than even Tegan or Donna would dare. 

And the TARDIS doors rushed open. 

"Marsha, I'm about to do something incredibly out of character!" Cherry proclaimed. 

"AaaAaAaAAAaaaAAaAAAAaAaaaAaAAaAa!" Said Marsha, in an eloquent response.

"LET'S JUST ON KEEP TRAVELLING FOREVER, HAHA!" Garbled The Emotionally overwhelmed Doctor, and Cherry on impulse, shoved her straight out of the TARDIS. 

 Time Travelling Nixon activated his Jetpack and put on his awesome sunglasses and flew out into the time vortex after The Doctor, gritting his teeth and singing the Darkwing Duck Themesong. 

And this story's level of sanity careened into the deep end.

* * *

The Doctor and Nixon plummeted into the time vortex. There's been a bunch of stuff about people getting trapped in there. This makes sense. There's also a bunch of stuff on people falling out. This makes less sense. There's also a bunch of inconsistencies on what specifically happens. You could get into the Eye of Harmony Eric Roberts Time Vortex Stuff, but let's be honest. The people who wrote the TV movie have no clue what's going on there and nor do I. In The Lifeboat and The Deathboat, Ship In A Bottle, Scenes From Her Life and other stories, the general conclusion is that the time vortex is like a sort of abstract fluidic spacetime nexus, which essentially makes it space but with the added virtue of being time-y wime-y, and in said story, the effects are pretty much just the effects of space, but a space outside of the concept of time where you can intersect back into it at any given point. But if the Time Vortex is essentially space, how can you fall out of a moment in space and into a location? 

The time vortex, as the Chase says, is twisted and difficult to follow, underlying the whole of space at a few points. Without a complicated mega-computer such as a TARDIS, it is ludicrous. A journey of twenty years inside the vortex could take you to the same spot you were, two seconds earlier, and six feet to the left. 

The writers of the Whoniverse can't even decide if all time travel goes through the Vortex, as there's also a thing called the Maelstrom out there, and I'm done looking at the wiki I can't be bothered. 

So, the logical conclusion is the time vortex is bullshit. Millions of minute effects that we cannot see subtly determine what kind of results the story needs to continue, and the time vortex emulates it. 

So, the Doctor and Nixon fall out of it rather quickly. 

* * *

The Doctor and Time Travelling Nixon landed in a crowd of Rory William's. As in, plural. There were about 50 versions of Rory Williams there, just hanging about. 

"How funny it’ll seem to come out among the people that walk with their heads downwards! The antipathies, I think—" said Time Travelling Nixon, quoting a random page of Alice In Wonderland because his only function is to be random and we all know random = funny. 

"Oh, goddamn it, this is the planet of Rories, isn't it?" The Doctor moaned.

The planet of Rories is a real canonical story from a real canonical Doctor Who book about a planet filled to the brim with Rories. No, this is not made up. Last time Amy went there she was heralded as a god by a semi-creepy Rory cult. 

Every single Rory shrugged.

"Well, time travelling Nixon, Rory Williamses, we're going to get my TARDIS back from Cherry and Marsha!" The Doctor exclaimed. "As Bugs Bunny said...Of course you know, this means war!" 

Chapter Three

"WAR! BLOODSHED! FAMINE!" Screamed Marsha. 

"Oh, Marsha, sweetie, it's not that bad." Cherry said. "I'm certain I'll figure out these controls sooner or later. Now...which button is on?" 

Cherry continued to examine the TARDIS's controls. Even though Tegan and Nyssa figured them out that one time, Cherry was baffled. 

"Well, for a coup, this was awfully shortsighted of us. I'm certain the Doctor would have fixed this...oh, how I miss her already!" Cherry said, sadly.

"GENOCIDE! TAX FRAUD! AUTOCANNIBALISM!" Screamed Marsha again, continually twirling about on the floor in a concentric circle. 

"Marsha, could you help me figure this out?" Cherry asked. 

"Oh, yeah, sure." Marsha said, getting up and normally and nonchalantly walking back towards the controls without a note of a freakout. She was like that. 

They reasoned with the controls for a bit, but were unsucessful until a hologram of the Doctor appeared. "You appear to have no clue how to operate this type forty TARDIS. Do you want to select the preset destination of Earth?" 

"Yes, Earth, New York, 1920s!" Marsha said. 

"Marsha, are you sure about this? You remember how hard it was back then?" Cherry confided. 

Marsha looked sullen. "This is harder!" She said, childishly. 

The TARDIS's Doctor hologram spoke again: "Data now suggests that you have stolen this TARDIS unit." A brief pause, before a woman in a victorian ballgown with messy hair appeared, and a pout. 

"You are not my thief! Not my thief! Bugger off!" It disappeared. 

"What was that?" Marsha asked.

"That's Idris. She's like a memory.  Sometimes the Doctor, Roman and I would have caught glimpses of her walking through the TARDIS corridors. The Doctor always insisted we stay away. Evidently the TARDIS's holographic systems sometimes glitch and project one of her stronger memories when the TARDIS is in distress." 

"It's not going to take us to New York?" Marsha asked. 

"No," Cherry said smartly. "Sorry, honey. We're lucky it didn't throw us out. The TARDIS loves the Doctor. They have a bond, they can't really be separated. Not even by us." 

* * *

The Doctor, Time Travelling Nixon and the Army of Rory's activated their awesome time Jetpacks and began to fly into space, carrying Big Fucking Guns. 

The Doctor was screaming unintelligibly. 

* * *

"I mean, it's a box! Can it really love the Doctor?" Marsha asked, confusedly.

"Well, people say that we can't." Cherry said, gripping Marsha's hand. "And you know how wrong that is." 

Marsha smiled softly, despite herself. "You're right, I've...I've been ridiculous all day."

"You always are." Cherry said, hugging her. They laughed. 

"You're right. You know, you're right. Let's get the TARDIS back to the Doctor," Marsha said. "And then we'll see what happens next." 

The TARDIS doors burst open as The Doctor in heavy armor landed with her time jetpack as well as Nixon and the army of Rory's with big guns landed in the TARDIS as the Doctor continued to scream unintelligably.

"YOU TOOK MA FGRHFUWVRUWHUHUEUHEHIUFUHIFERWYCALSLKIHUGUR TARDIS!"

She yelled, angrily lowering the barrel. 

Chapter Four

"Oh my god! I swear, lady, I was gonna return it!" Yelled Marsha as the Doctor continued to aim at her. 

"THAT'S WHAT JEOFJVHUEFHURRHIUEJSKXZSUHFEKHBEFUOH THEY ALL SAY!" The Doctor yelled. "Wait, no, it actually isn't. ANYWAY, GET ON YOUR KNEES!" 

"Nixon! Nixon! Nixon!" Said Nixon, for he had devolved in intelligence so much he could only say his name like a Pokemon. 

"Doctor, listen! We had a heartwarming moment! About the meaning of love, and we, like, we want to stay!" Cherry attempted to persuade her. 

The Doctor mumbled to herself, indesisive. 

The Valeyard's voice rang through her mind: "Kill Them! They Dared To Defy You! Become Me, Doctor! Become Me!" 

The Doctor decided.

She put the gun down.

"Oh, I can't stay mad at you guys!" The Doctor cheered. 

Suddenly A version of Tom Baker, made out of time itself, wearing a scarf made out of 100000000000000 suns rose out of the depths of the vortex, Screaming with an army of a billion K9s wearing bow-ties made out of the abstract concept of existence readying their weapons made out of entire galaxies, the galaxies of which were filled with replicas of the starship Titanic filled to the brim with angry fangirling Osgoods and Kate Stewart clones, led by a Matt Smith on a fucking Quidditch Broom that Jar Jar Binks was holding onto, they all materialized out of the vortex.

"No, no! Call off the reinforcements!" The Doctor called. 

The crowd made a collective awww as they retreated back into the time vortex. 

Marsha and Cherry chose not to respond out of politeness. 

The Doctor went over the console, and closed the TARDIS doors. "So." She grinned. "Where to next!" 

Marsha smiled. "Um, to the right, I guess? Anywhere that's not New York because of the entire point of this story was me learning a well-deserved lesson?"

"TO THE RIGHT IT IS!" The Doctor cheered. 

"Also, Doctor, have you considered therapy?" Cherry asked as the TARDIS disappeared into time and space. 

The End

This Story (Hypothetically) Starred

Dame Judi Dench as The Doctor

Matt Smith as The Doctor Made Out Of Time Riding A Broomstick

Tom Baker as The Concept of Eternity Itself

Lisa Kudrow as Marsha

Scarlett Johansson as Cherry

Stuart Milligan as Time Travelling Richard Nixon with a Gun

Arthur Darvill as The Planet of Rories

Michael Jayston as The Valeyard's One Line

Ingrid Oliver as The Gazillion Osgoods crewing the Galaxies of The Starship Titanic

Jemma Redgrave as The Kate Stewarts crewing the Galaxies of The Starship Titanic

Suranne Jones as Idris

The Darkwing Duck Theme Song

and 

Ahmed Best as Jar Jar Binks