NCJDDAS: The Last Adventure 1.3 A Night At The Opera
NCJDDAS: A Night At The Opera
The Dench Doctor: The Last Adventure Episode Three
Part Three of Six
Timeline Placement: Takes place after Judi Dench Never Dies
Starring Judi Dench as The Doctor, Danny Devito as Danny, Sir Ian McKellen as Roman
Introducing Julie Andrews as The Doctor
Chapter One
"Opera? Really?" Danny complained.
"Oh, I love opera." Roman replied. "Opera is the epitome of human culture. The elegance to it, the poise. It's-"
"It's a bunch of fat people singing really high." Danny said, unimpressed. "Come on, Doctor! Can't we go somewhere else?"
"Well, Danny," The Doctor said. "I can't comment. Roman has been dragged by us to Disneyland so many times, he got to fill out his 'I get to choose the adventure this week' punchcard."
"That's a Rick and Morty joke. Please tell me we haven't stooped so low to steal Rick and Morty jokes." Danny complained.
"Come on, though." The Doctor said. "I'm sure there's some enjoyment to be had, Roman isn't entirely a uninteresting curmudgeon. We're going to the Opera!"
Roman smiled really happily. Like really geniunely pleased with himself. His eyes glazed over with happiness.
* * *
"This is rubbish!" Danny yelled.
"Wow, it's almost like your entire characters have reversed this story, how amusing." The Doctor lampshaded, as Roman cheered as the Prima Donna hit a particularly high note.
Roman was dressed like a sports fan, with plastic beads, baseball cap that said "I Heart Opera" and a foam finger.
Danny placed his head in his hands.
"Doctor, what do you think of all of this?" He groaned. "Please side with me."
"Oh, I'm undecided. I do like dressing up and looking refined and acting superior to those around me, but truth be told, I'm just watching you two here." The Doctor leaned back and placed popcorn in her mouth as Danny continued to throw a fit.
"ArghaFrackabarginfrickinheckin" Danny muttered incomprehensibly.
Roman tapped the Doctor's shoulders like an excitable child. "Doctor! The conductor is going to announce the next act!"
"Hm. Sounds odd. Kay, I'll look." The Doctor said, leaning over to see.
The Orchestra Conductor had left his podium, and was walking up to the stage.
He was a man in a tuxedo, the Doctor couldn't see his face from the way he was hunched until he reached center stage and a spotlight shone on him.
"Ladies and Gentlemen and Variations Thereupon, I must duly apologize for interrupting your evening." said The Valeyard.
"The Valeyard!" The Doctor hissed.
"He's the conductor?" Roman asked, confusedly. "I always thought he wasn't that much of a musical chap."
The Valeyard continued to go on. "The Opera is cancelled."
Danny cheered. Roman and most of the crowd roared.
"Ah, yes, yes, It's very inconvenient, but, I am happy to say, I have set up an alternative set of entertainment. A revival! A piece I like to call The Death of A Prydonian. Oh, and yes." He snapped his fingers and the doors slammed shut. "I do enjoy playing to a captive audience."
Chapter Two
"The Death of a Prydonian?" Roman squeaked. "What's he getting at?"
The Doctor furrowed her brow. "He's shameless. He's reusing a plot from the Sixth Doctor audio Stage Fright!"
"Isn't that incredibly obscure?" Danny said.
"Yes, thankfully, most of the audience won't even notice." The Doctor said. "He's going to try and perform reinactments of all my previous regenerations in a bid to illicit raw emotion from the audience!"
"Sounds positively frightful." Roman said. "We must stop him!"
The Valeyard began singing an opera tune.
"Wait, actually I'm fine with this." Roman said, sitting back down.
The Valeyard began:
♫ No, Sarah Jane, do not shed a tear, ♫
♫ No, please don't cry ♫
♫ My Sarah Jane, while there's death...there's... ♫
♫ Oops, right there, I just died!♫
"HE'S GARBAGE!" The Doctor yelled.
"Please, madam, lower your voice, I'm trying to hear," said a nearby woman in opera glasses.
"Wait, isn't that Julie Andrews?" Roman asked. "What's Julie Andrews doing here?"
"No!" The Doctor groaned. "It's my past self! Danny, remember I told you I had a past self that looked like Julie Andrews! Now she's learning about my future from the Valeyard!"
The Doctor hit The Julie Andrews Doctor with a hammer until she was unconcious.
"There. That's this episodes needless Doctor cameo done." The Doctor said, proud of herself.
"It seemed incredibly shoehorned." Danny commented.
The Valeyard continued, now imitating David Tennant:
♫ No, Oh, I do not want to go, ♫
♫ OH! No, I do not want to gooooo! ♫
"Quickly, Danny, let's get down to the stage and stop the Valeyard!" The Doctor said, annoyed.
♫ Run Fast! Be Kind! ♫
♫ Fight any evil you may find! ♫
♫ Doctor, there's one last thing I want you to know! ♫
♫ Doctor, I let you go! ♫
The Audience swayed from side to side, beginning to fall under the Valeyard's control.
♫ Mm, I'm wearing a bit thin ♫
♫ Pretty much anything will do me in! ♫
♫ I'm the first Doctor, through and through ♫
♫ I'm one and done and now I'm two ♫
"Okay, I'm done listening to this, Danny, please take these psychic earplugs. They'll block out the Valeyard's voice."
Roman rushed up over to them, and began singing as well.
♫ Oh, Doctor, Oh, Doctor, You Must Understand ♫
♫ The Valeyard's not bad, he's a jolly old man- ♫
Chapter Three
"My god, it's a full on Whosical!" Danny horrifiedly proclaimed.
"In any other scenario I'd be ecstatic, but the singing is evil, and also in a text based story format, so not hearing these people sing is mildly annoying." The Doctor said. "Danny, run!"
As The Doctor and Danny turned the corner to try and escape Roman, they noticed most of the audience were musical based celebrities.
"Oh, bollocks." The Doctor muttered, as Cher and Neil Patrick Harris appeared out of the audience singing the praises of the Valeyard.
♫ We'll Kill Her Dead ♫
♫ We'll Kill Her Dead ♫
♫ Yes We'll Kill That Pesky Doctor Deeeeaddd ♫
♫ Scream and shout ♫
♫ We'll take her out ♫
♫ Yes We'll Kill That Pesky Doctor Deeeeaddd ♫
"And now they're stealing lyrics from the Scorchies. One wonders the point of this." The Doctor commented. "Danny, there's only one way we can get out of this-"
"Comedic Violence?" Danny suggested.
"Exactly!"
Danny took out a cartoon stick of dynamite and lobbed it into the audience. Were this real dynamite, they'd be super dead, but the musical talents of Cher and Neil Patrick Harris were knocked into a pillar.
♫ Committing acts of violence is incredibly dumb ♫
♫ Try to defeat me, Doctor, and me, You'll Become ♫
The Doctor growled.
"How'd you defeat him when he tried this last time?"
"Oh, well, um, Flip did a very distracting rendition of Mary Had A Little Lamb and other such nursery rhymes."
"What, really?"
"It was very distracting." The Doctor clarified.
Cher got up, evidently now recovered from her head on collision with a giant stick of dynamite, and began doing terrible dance moves.
"Well, do either one of us have any musical talent?" Danny asked.
"I was in Cats."
"So, no, then." Danny placed his head in his hands. "What could possibly save us now?"
Suddenly a heavenly light shone from above, and Julie Andrews, now in full Mary Poppins regalia waved an umbrella and descended to the stage.
♫ A Spoonful of Bullshit ♫
♫ Will Instantly end This Plot ♫
♫ Instantly end this plot ♫
♫ Instantly end this plot ♫
♫ It's rather convenient, but it beats a technobabble solution ♫
♫ Beats technobabble any day ♫
"NO!" Screamed The Valeyard. "A Spoonful of Bullshit!"
Julie Andrews smiled, incredibly full of herself.
♫ You may have had my attention, at one point Valeyard ♫
♫ May have, Valeyard, ♫
♫ May have, Valeyard ♫
♫ But Now I am free of your musical charms ♫
♫ And I can sing better than you any day ♫
Danny and The Doctor began chanting:
♫ A Spoonful of Bullshit ♫
♫ Will Instantly end This Plot ♫
♫ Instantly end this plot ♫
♫ Instantly end this plot ♫
♫ It's rather convenient, but it beats a technobabble solution ♫
♫ Beats technobabble any day ♫
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Screamed The Valeyard, and a battered blue box appeared around him and he dematerialized.
Julie Andrews, The Doctor, Danny, Cher and Neil Patrick Harris bowed.
The audience, as they are apt to do, thought this was part of the show like idiots, even though dynamite was involved.
Chapter Four
"Well. That is that." said The Julie Andrews Doctor, brushing off her gloves. "I am ever so sorry, future me, but I do have business to attend to. I have to play out the entire events of Mary Poppins now."
"Wait, that was me in Mary Poppins?" The Doctor asked, confusedly.
"Why, of course!" The Julie Andrews Doctor clarified. "I mean, come now. I had a sonic umbrella, a bowtie, a scarf in certain scenes, I speak to animals, I sit on top of a cloud, just like in that one Matt Smith episode and I have a bag that's bigger on the inside."
"..Hm. Glad that's canon." The Doctor said.
Julie Andrews winked. "Nothing is canon," She said, smiling, and she waved her umbrella to fly up into the sky.
Roman walked up to Danny and The Doctor. "Well. That was a wonderful opera." He said, eyes teared up. "I didn't know that Cher, Julie Andrews and Neil Patrick Harris were here!"
"That reminds me, I desperately need Cher as a companion." The Doctor said.
"No, the TARDIS is crowded enough as it is!" Roman said, "Come along now, Doctor! We have planets to save and the like!"
The Doctor, Danny and Roman walked back to the TARDIS.
Danny had a moment of lucidity. "Wait, does this mean Ms. Frizzle is also a time lord-"
"Stop theorizing."
* * *
The Valeyard smiled. He had just lost incredibly badly. But like all Villains, he now had to pretend that everything was going according to plan, and laugh maniacally.
He didn't really feel like it though. Today sucked.
Ah, but he would soon have his revenge -
The Valeyard still couldn't muster up an evil laugh to end the story on. He sat down and sulked.
"Do I have to do this plot three more times?"
To Be Continued...
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