NCJDDAS: The Last Adventure 1.2: Night of The Living Bioluminescent Algae
NCJDDAS: Night of The Living Bioluminescent Algae
The Last Adventure Part Two of Six
Starring Dame Judi Dench and Danny Devito
Introducing Pamela Salem as The Doctor
Featuring Michael Jayston as The Valeyard
Chapter One
Deep in the murky waters, down into the dark, beneath the seaweed, and the lilypads, and the frightening amount of plastic, they watched.
The people on the surface went on their day to day lives, as they walked down by the pier. Children playing in the fresh water ponds that dotted the landscape to the right of the board walk, and the seagulls cawed, flying over the beaches to the left.
None of them knew.
None of them knew that tonight would be the night that bio luminescent algae would walk the earth...
* * *
The TARDIS dematerialized and Danny and The Doctor stepped outside. "Golly, Doctor." Danny said. "It sure is chilly out."
"It's nearing winter on the pier." The Doctor said, wrapping her exceedingly long scarf around her.
Mariah Carey's All I Want For Christmas Is You began to blare out of the pier speakers before the Doctor shot them with a cannon.
Mariah Carey's All I Want For Christmas Is You, is actually a memetic hazard, a form of brain parasite that the Doctor had defeated a long time before. But that's another Main Range crossover. As of now, The Doctor and Danny shivered down the freezing boardwalk.
"Doctor," Danny said, "Not that I'm unappreciative, but why did you take me here, exactly?"
"The Chips. Or Crisps. Or Whatever the hell French Fries are." The Doctor said. "They're really really good here. And I want to chat."
"Chat? Oh no, you aren't giving me the 'talk' again?" Danny complained, having Vietnam Flashbacks to the accursed day.
"Aggh! No!" The Doctor screamed. "No! Aah! I want to talk like normal people about normal things, like me being concerned I'm not being emotionally vulnerable enough, because the other day when you were on vacation I met my old friend Lottie and she gave me some weird sort of Therapy that wasn't Therapy and now I want to share my feelings or something I don't know frick" The Doctor sputtered in one second.
"Well. Um, Alright," said Danny, because he was an agreeable chap, and they sat down nearby on a really cold bench.
"So." The Doctor said, awkwardly. "My friend Lottie, long story, she says that she's concerned about me covering up some kind of emotional thing?"
"What do you mean?"
"I dunno. She just seemed really intent that I talk to you about it." The Doctor commented.
Danny shrugged. "I mean, Doc, I do sometimes wonder if you're doing okay, I mean in the head, but like, you seem fine these days. I mean, what do you really have to worry about?"
The Doctor thought to herself about the three (3) times that Danny had died and been resurrected recently. The one in Marriage of The Daleks where his normal self was murdered and replaced with Danny Devito, the one in The Starcorp Horror where he died in an alternate timeline, and the one where Countryfile blasted open all of his internal organs.
"NO, NOTHING, I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT," The Doctor said idiotically.
Danny shrugged. They got up off the bench. "Nice Talk, I guess." Danny said. He was worse at this than she was.
Suddenly there was awkward screaming, and Pamela Salem fell out of the sky, covered in green bubble wrap.
Chapter Two
"Oh my god, Doctor! What's going on!" Yelled Danny.
"UUUUUUUUAGGGGGHOOOOOOOOUUUUU!" Yelled the Doctor. "You remember the Timeless Child!"
"Yeah?" Danny asked.
"Well, Chris Chibnall got the idea from various past doctor faces in The Brain of Morbius, but also from the lesser known background faces in the Face of Evil! Pamela Salem is one of them. She is the Timeless Child!"
"Oh, poop!" Danny complained. "More random past Doctors? How many of them are there?"
"Well, all of the faces that appear in the Timeless Children, Brain of Morbius, Face of Evil, and then theres Ruth, Lady Larusa and Julie Andrews."
"That's at least two!" Danny proclaimed, as The Doctor placed her head in her hands.
Pamela Salem lay on the dock, and suddenly the oozey bubble wrap formed a shoddy classic who style monster.
"Run, Danny! It's the attack of the nondescript blob!" The Doctor yelled, and they turned and ran.
The nondescript blob gurgled towards them at Mach Zero, and Danny and The Doctor turned out to get away quite easily.
"What's going on here? Is this town like empty or something?" Danny asked. "We haven't seen anyone here! They should be shrieking about Pamela Salem landing on their dock at the speed of a missile or that slow giant green blob!"
"You're right, we haven't seen anyone at all! That's weird! Then who did we get the French Fries from?"
Ominous Music Played as the Camera zooms in close on the French Fries, and they disappeared into the Aether from whence they came.
The green blob moved closer. "Danny, I recognize it!" The Doctor yelled.
"What?"
"It's from the title!" The Doctor proclaimed. "It's living Bioluminescent Algae! Have you ever seen Bioluminescent Algae! It's really pretty. Very good idea for a monster, the algae rising from the shores to take form and life away from humans... Anyway, the BBC didn't have the budget for it, and so we have essentially the same costume from the Rutans, moving towards us incredibly slowly."
"Yeah, I got that. Where's it from? Who's controlling it?" Danny asked sensibly.
"I don't know. But I'll figure it out." The Doctor said, intensely.
"None of this makes sense!" Danny realized. "We got the French fries from nowhere, and you referenced me being killed by Countryfile, but if that's already happened, then where in the timeline could this possibly take place, because Roman isn't here!"
"Who's Roman?" The Doctor asked.
"I don't know, he doesn't show up until The Three Romanas, we haven't met him yet!" Danny screamed.
"WHAT'S GOING ON?" The Doctor yelled to the Algae, which had just made it's way around the corner. "I DEMAND YOU TO EXPLAIN THESE CONTINUITY ISSUES!"
The Algae made squelching noises.
"Ah, so you've figured it out, Doctor," The Algae said in the smooth voice of Michael Jayston as The Valeyard appeared out of nothing. "We Are in the Matrix!" He laughed evilly.
Chapter Three
"We're in the Matrix?" The Doctor screamed. "The 1999 Film I haven't seen? How can I make meta jokes about a movie I haven't seen!"
"No, you blithering fool, Doctor, the Gallifreyan Matrix."
"You know, as you are entirely made out of me, calling me a blithering fool makes you a blithering fool, Valeyard!" The Doctor angrily said.
"Uh, Doctor, who's the Valeyard?"
"Well, he's supposedly a future self of me, but in actuality, I learned in the boxset The Sixth Doctor's Last Adventure, that he's actually a Gallifreyan Black Ops Experiment that derived all of the evil out of my soul and compressed it into an old man. Also he showed up in the time war, but I haven't listened to that audio yet, so we can act like it didn't happen."
The Valeyard laughed evilly.
"So," Danny said, "This is the guy everybody have been saying you are, for like, the past entire series? Everybody wants to stop you from becoming this guy!"
"I won't become exactly him. But he's a reminder of what I could be like, a vicious, little spiny pineapple!" The Doctor mocked the Valeyard, who stood there obstinately.
"You have little time." The Valeyard said, smoothly. "You will have to break your rules to win, Doctor. Otherwise your past self...she will die. I will break your spirit, and-"
The Doctor grabbed Danny and they started running.. "Ugh! I can't stand that guy! Danny, we don't have any choice. We have to play the Valeyard's game. Whatever he's planning..."
The Valeyard laughed as the Doctor rushed into the distance to save her past self and the Algae creatures moved after her.
Chapter Four
The Doctor and Danny rushed through the Matrix. "So, if we're like in the Matrix," Danny said, "How is the Valeyard making all of this stuff happen?'
"We're in the Matrix! It does whatever the plot demands!" The Doctor exclaimed.
"Well, yeah, but, well, can't we do that 'I deny this reality' thing?" Danny asked, actually fricking sensibly for once.
"I deny this reality!" The Doctor said. Not much happened. She shrugged. "No, apparently."
As the Doctor whirred around the corner, Toos from The Robots of Death and Rachel Jensen from Remembrance of the Daleks stood there, both screaming.
"Oh, oh my giddy aunt!" The Doctor exclaimed.
"Three Pamela Salems!" Danny exclaimed.
"The Valeyard wants to trick us! Two of them are fake and one is real, or something!"
"If he could do that, and he's trying to trick us, wouldn't he make all three of them not real?" Danny asked, once again poking holes into the wafer thin narrative.
The Doctor screamed "I Deny This Reality" again. As she denied this reality, a very real algae blob climbed on top of her and melted off her face.
"Hm. Seems that instead of putting a Matrix illusion of it, the Valeyard actually put the Algae in the room with us."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Said The Doctor, tearing off the Algae monster.
The Doctor picked her face up from off the floor and reapplied it in an uncanny way.
"Hey, look, I'm Geoffrey Beevers!" She joked.
"Doctor! We need to be serious and stop the Valeyard, or your past self will die, and everything you've ever done will go down the crapper!" Danny demanded.
Be Serious. Alright. You Can Do That, Doctor. She thought to herself. You can be the crazy cat lady another day. Now figure this out...
She thought for a moment. You're close to the Valeyard's thoughts. What would he do? What would he try and get you to do?
"To the Pier Dunking Tanks!" The Doctor exclaimed. "He'll be keeping me there!" They ran.
* * *
"Ah, Doctor, you've arrived." Announced The Valeyard. "Now, let's play a little game- I have your friend, your past self, in a dunking tank on your right, that's slowly being filled with water."
He pointed.
"To your left, I have Mark Zuckerberg in a dunking tank that's also slowly being filled with water. You only have time to save one of them."
"...Why should I care about Mark Zuckerberg in this scenario?" The Doctor asked.
"Exactly my point! Let Mark Zuckerberg die, and you will come closer on your quest to become what you always should have been! Become The Valeyard! ...And Save Yourself!"
The Doctor got a hammer out of her pocket and smashed both the tanks, the water leaking out onto the floor. "You know, in your future, you should design your tests around the likelihood that I have a hammer."
The Valeyard placed his head in his hands. After a while, he looked up again. "Ah, curses, you've won again, Doctor! This definitely wasn't just a distraction to my larger scheme! I have been defeated, oh noes!" He feigned.
"Alright, Danny, I'm going to punch him." The Doctor said, moving forward, before Danny grabbed her and dragged her back to the TARDIS with Zuckerberg and Pamela Salem.
Epilogue:
"Danny, you know, I'm beginning to notice a pattern here. At a weird unexplored point in my timeline, last time, I met The Elizabeth Olsen Doctor. She was actually a evil spider god, controlled by Cicily, except it was actually controlled by the Valeyard. This time, I meet past Pamela Salem me, and she's actually corrupted by evil Algae, and it was all controlled by the Valeyard, and both times have been a weird plan regarding all of my feelings about morality."
"Yeah, that is a really strange pattern." Danny commented. "I sure hope it doesn't continue into the next four stories, that could get very repetitive and annoying."
Mark Zuckerberg walked out of the TARDIS wardrobe, covered in Dead Rats.
"I also hope he chooses a less pedantic morality test next time. Everyone knows media conglomerates are pure evil!" The Doctor said.
"Um, Doctor, I think you missed the point of that. The Valeyard was in a backwards way, trying to teach you about the value of morality, because he thought that you would kill Zuckerberg, but in a backwards way, he was actually teaching you that all human life is precious." Danny said, confused.
"...None of this makes any sense." The Doctor said. "Come on, Pamela Salem! Back to the Division with you!"
Danny and The Doctor returned Pamela Salem and Mark Zuckerberg to their respective times, and sat down next to each other.
"Danny, like I was trying to say to you earlier, I am actually very concerned about all of this. Becoming the Valeyard, letting innocent people die, it's the stuff of nightmares. I...just don't always know what's the right way to avoid that. And whether or not high grade flamethrowers are morally justifable." The Doctor said, saddened.
"I'm certain we can figure it out together, Doctor!" Danny said, happily. "In the meantime, let's go to Disneyland!"
"Yay, Disneyland!" Proclaimed The Doctor, and she dematerialized the TARDIS.
Unbeknownst to the Doctor, the lazy repetitiveness of the Valeyard's entire plan was actually so he could sneak in and place a strange device on the Doctor's TARDIS console.
Far away in time and space, the Valeyard laughed, as his own battered blue box of a TARDIS chased after the Doctor's own....
To Be Continued...
This Story (Hypothetically) Starred
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