(PARODY AMONG US): 7.1 You Gotta Be Ready
Torchwood Parody Among Us:
7.1 You Gotta Be Ready
Starring Tracy Ann Oberman, Ian Alexander, Paul Clayton, Natalia Cordova Buckley, D'Arcy Carden and Ben Mendelsohn with Tom Price
Cardiff 2019
She could just see it in the distance. Anastasia was coming into Cardiff, and she was worried sick. She had never really been to Wales, and the UK in general, and she hoped that she didn't stand out like a sore thumb in her clothing that her father had called "too spanish."
The foghorn sounded, but the mist was clearing gradually - just a slight sprinkling over the water in the early morning, not obscuring much. The boat had cut through the water at a pace before, but now it was slowing, which made Anastasia think they were getting closer to land. Coming by boat was difficult, but the plane she had gotten had only taken her as far as London, the cheap bastards.
She had a relative here - not by blood, but when they asked, she had to come, and so she was. She didn't have much in belongings, just a small carry on with two extra changes of clothes, and a cheap laptop that couldn't even run Tetris correctly. She used it mostly to browse the internet for jobs - Cardiff should have at least something in terms of places where she could act.
As the boat moved closer, for the first time she could see the shore of Cardiff, the skyline of the city. Her future. The Twenty First Century.
"Hello, are you Mrs. Thenardier?" Anastasia asked.
The woman nodded. "Yes, I am she." She said in a Russian accent. Mrs. Thenardier had a reputation among the townspeople of Cardiff that Anastasia was already aware of, even if she hadn't been here long. She was cheap in all things, and very conscious of her heritage. She was a shithead, and Anastasia liked her immediately
"Um, okay. I am looking for a room, my uncle said that he had reserved me one."
"Oh yes, you are Anastasia. Yes, yes, we have your room. Sad news though. Your uncle, kaput."
"I am sorry?" Anastasia asked, confused.
"Your uncle, he very dead." Mrs. Thenardier said. The way she talked was strange. It was like some kind of film, a parody of someone who hadn't learned English as a first language. It almost dampened the words that were killing Anastasia slowly. "Your room is Number 13. The bed is a bit springy." She handed Anastasia a key, but Anastasia was still overwhelmed. "I'm sorry, I- how did he? Is he really dead? How did he die?" The questions poured out.
"They did not say. Van came by, and informed us. Men in black suits and leather and sunglasses. Trying to be all CSI."
"I'm - I'm sorry, there - there was an investigation?? Is anyone else hurt?? Are you sure it was him that died??" She just couldn't stop blubbering. "Men in Black Suits, was it - was it secret agents??"
"No, they have a logo on their van." Mrs. Thenardier said, sighing. "Bloody Torchwood."
* * *
Anastasia went up to her room, and collapsed on the - indeed springy - bed, overwhelmed. She had come to Cardiff to see and support her uncle. But if Uncle Fred was gone, what was she to do?
She had to call her Fathers about this eventually, but they would hate it.
Maybe it shouldn't come from her mouth. She sighed. She picked up her phone and called her dad that had Uncle Fred as a brother. He could tell her other Dad later.
"Hi? Hello? Dad?" She said, as the phone beeped. No signal. This apartment really was shit.
Oh, how she wished she was with her Parents. They always took tragedy badly. People assumed that having two dads would have resulted in them being emotionally distanced. No, her fathers were both quite emotional.
Anastasia on the other hand, who only got adopted at age 10, was far more accustomed to tragedy than her parents. She was bad at feeling things. Well, no, that was wrong. She was very good at feeling things. She was shit at expressing them.
What the hell was this? What was Torchwood? She was angry, and Oh, it was already late. She'd have to go out and get a pizza. She sulked.
Stuck in a city with no reason to be there.
There's no way anything good could come out of this.
* * *
Jubilee Pizza. Maybe sounded a bit too joyful. A little Pedantic. But no other Pizza place in town, she was assured, was remotely as good.
Maybe that was just her being curmudgeonly. When she was in a bitter mood like this, what could you do? She waited in line among a group of people.
"Hey." A man in a police uniform said to her. Oh balls, the police. They were probably going to do something racist or political or something. She looked down.
"Hello," The man said, smiling happily and standing next to her. "Sergeant Andy Davidson." He said, extending his hand. She cautiously shook it. "You're new in town, aren't you? I haven't seen you around here before."
"Um, Yes." Anastasia said, trying not to do anything that could piss him off.
"Hey. Oh! No, no, I'm not - oh geez, alright, I can see that you're scared, but It's okay, you can relax. This is going to sound rather unconvincing but I really was just going to wish you a nice day." Andy said.
"Oh." Anastasia said quietly.
"It's just. You know, the city has had a total load of rubbish. Not that I'm trying to send you off, god, I really don't wanna do that, but the point is, is the city has a lot of bad people at times, and you know, I try and do the opposite of that, I try and be, well, rather nice...There's no way to make this sound normal." Andy said. "I really am, I really am talking too much."
Anastasia smiled. "It is good that you are not a bad man."
Andy nodded. "Happy to hear it."
"It is a silly question, but have you heard of Torchwood?" Anastasia asked.
"No," Andy said a little too quickly.
"It's just... I am looking for something on my Uncle. My landlord - said they were involved??"
Andy grimaced apologetically, which only made Anastasia more suspicious. "No Clue. Personally, like I said, I would try and stay safe around here. I wouldn't look into it."
Anastasia nodded.
* * *
Anastasia decided to look into it. But first, Pizza.
The pizza was good, whoever had recommended it to her was right, Anastasia noted. Better even than the New York stuff, it was a surprise. Cardiff was usually very bad with food.
It was a grey city. She looked out onto the waters of the bay outside the pizza shop windows. Dams around the harbor. More than usual for a city like this. She'd seen them on the way in, but they were even more striking from land.
A woman in a pink sweater stood by the counter. "Wondering about the walls? There was flooding here a while back. I'm sure you've heard of it. Thousands of people died. We're - we're still rebuilding even now." She paused to scarf on her burrito.
"I knew about the flooding."
"Funny thing, city puts a lot of money into anti-flooding measures after thousands of people die. Also funny thing, everything else loses money as a result. Cardiff's funding is screwed right now." She said. "Believe you me, there are some that believe this city is cursed." She placed the burrito in the trash and moved out the back.
Anastasia kept looking at the water.
* * *
She was leaving the shop when she realized she was at least somewhat lost. Not completely, but somewhat. Disoriented at the least. And she needed to know about the whole thing with her uncle.
She decided to follow the signs down the pier. Tourist Information Bureau, she noticed, stepping inside.
There was a burnt desk in the center of the room. It had been on fire once, Anastasia could tell, but no one had replaced it. She cautiously pressed the bell on the desk.
A man...woman...person shortly appeared after, from behind a door. "Ooh. Sorry about all this. We're closed." They said, and then they shut the door.
Anastasia grunted. She wasn't in the mood for this. She hopped over the desk and onto the door, swinging it open. "Hey! Hey, I want to know where I can ask about disappearances!"
The inside of the room was a cavern. A monstrous cavern - clearly excavated by some kind of bomb. Walkways upon walkways of makeshift metal girders and offices were placed inside the underground place - they were clearly beneath the Bay.
A Pterodactyl - A Pterodactyl?? Flew above their head.
"No, no, no!" The person blubbered. "Just - just because we haven't installed the defenses yet, doesn't mean you can just walk in!"
"What is this place??"
"...Please Get out!!" They repeated.
"Not until I know about my Uncle. Is ... Is this Torchwood?"
The person sighed. "Ash, Torchwood Tech. He/They." He introduced himself. "You really shouldn't have figured out a way back here. Was it Andy? Did he accidentally give the base's location away again?"
Anastasia shook her head. So Andy did know about this place.
"Oh, don't worry your pretty little head. You won't have to worry about any of this." He smiled supportively. "You can go on back to your normal life, and keep on making the world a better place."
He opened a floating cabinet and took out some kind of pills. "Heaven knows Torchwood doesn't do that, we don't have the budget." They said sarcastically. "I mean look at this. It's literally a cave. I work in a cave. It is SO damp. Oh well. Could you please sign this waiver so I can pump you with memory-altering probably illegal drugs? Thanks."
He handed her a clipboard.
"My Uncle is Dead!" Anastasia declared. "It was Torchwood that-"
"Mm, mm, Don't think so." Ash said happily.
A blonde woman in a suit entered the room.
"Yvonne!" Ash said. "Lovely to see you. A Citizen just walked in."
Yvonne made a "hmph" noise. "Wonderful. Remind me to have another conversation with our Mr. Richardson about budget." She walked over to Anastasia, looking at her.
"She says her uncle was killed." Ash muttered. "By Us."
Yvonne raised her eyebrows. "Possible." She concluded eventually. "Can you retcon her?"
"Oh, absolutely, I'd love to. It's just I do need her to sign the form. Working as both tech and medic here is a rather lot, I do find the whole, Do No Harm thing important to my job. You do know there are documented side effects to Retcon, right? Also I am very busy and have zero time."
"Make it a priority." Yvonne snapped. "Before then, I think that I'll see if I can give her some closure so she doesn't traipse on back here."
"Why are you two talking like I'm not here?" Anastasia asked.
"Because all probability, come tomorrow, Yvonne will have wiped your memory regardless of whether the rest of us think it's a good idea." Ash said. "Have a nice emotional closure!"
Anastasia was freezing up. She sort of felt like she was being scolded. Like she had been stopped by the police again for the heinous crime of being herself. She hadn't done anything wrong.
"Come along, then!" Yvonne called, gesturing for Anastasia to come.
Anastasia cautiously followed Yvonne into a rotting office doorway and into the next room.
* * *
"So, what's your name?" Yvonne asked. She was astonishing, Anastasia was thinking. She walked with this sense of power in her that she hadn't seen in anyone else. And somehow she made a pantsuit look intimidating.
"Anastasia Rodriquez," Anastasia said without thinking. Shit. That was her real name, she should really start lying to these people.
"Well, I'm Yvonne. Yvonne Hartman. I'm a people person, so I'm very much excited to meet you..." Anastasia noticed how Yvonne's voice sounded. Like prim and proper treacle. It was sharp, dangerous.
She was in danger from this woman. "...and this...this is Torchwood Three." She said, gesturing around, dramatically. She was clearly also a drama person. She began talking rather quickly after that, but at no point lost her elegance. "It's an honorary designation. It's the only original Torchwood base to survive, so really at this point, it's Torchwood One, but I'm not a person to rename things just because some focus group likes it." Yvonne said. She finally finished with a blunt: "We catch aliens."
Anastasia rolled her eyes. "Aliens, they do not exist. I have seen no proof of aliens. It is faked on the news."
"You're one of those people?" Yvonne muttered. "Well, I rather do enjoy a healthy bit of skepticism, but an alien spaceship did crash into Big Ben, you really should get with the times." They stepped onto a platform. "Hold my hand." Yvonne said. The platform then raised up - up and up, and up, until it suddenly shot above ground. It was moving at tremendous speed, until it finally stopped above the city.
"Oh, Happy Day." Yvonne whispered. "It's a nice and quiet night. No fires in the distance, no amorphous blobs or alien gods. It's almost relaxing."
They were floating hundreds of miles above the city on an incredibly small platform. "Don't worry. No one can see us. Just don't fall off," Yvonne said smugly.
"You're...You're serious. You really do fight aliens."
"Really?? Why, I'd never have figured that one out." Yvonne noted, clicking a button on the tile. It began to descend.
"What are you people??" Anastasia asked, a little horrified.
"Done with you." Yvonne replied, as the lift hit the ground.
* * *
Anastasia was still standing on the platform in shock when Yvonne hopped off. "...Why are you showing me this?"
"Most people who find this place find it because they're smart. It's a rare thing. It's a Torchwood tradition to validate whoever finds the base just a tiny bit. It's rather fun to show it off. Though, it's not very good at the moment, and I do think you just walked in, so we'll be wiping your memory now."
"I - I am going to lose my memory?? I don't want to."
"Yes... that is generally what people say. The funny thing is you don't often hear them complain afterwards." Yvonne mumbled, removing a syringe from her pocket. "Now! You could run, but to be fair, there really isn't much way of escaping this place, and our facial identification system does now have you in it's file. So we will be able to find you."
Anastasia had that feeling again. That feeling of doing nothing wrong. A Man came walking down the hallway.
"Yvonne." He grunted.
"St. John!" Yvonne said. "Nice to see you. Just giving one of our little old intruders emotional closure before the retcon."
"Sometimes I wonder why you bother." Mr. Colchester grunted.
"I have a soft spot for happy endings." Yvonne said, but it sounded like a threat, probably because she was holding a needle. Then again, out of her mouth, most things did.
Mr. Colchester was clearly used to this, and walked back down the hallway.
"Why??" Anastasia asked. "Why my memory??"
"Well, you can't know, can you? We're a top secret organization. I even removed the Torchwood logo from our van!" Yvonne stated. "We can wipe memories, so why not? However, we can't wipe the emotions associated with memories. It's important that they're happy ones. Otherwise they bleed through... like oil in Kleenex."
"You're very insistent that I'm forgetting all of this," Anastasia muttered.
"Yes, Yes I am."
"Yvonne!!" Ash's voice called. They ran down the hallway. "Yvonne, I looked up Anastasia. Cell Block Three."
Yvonne placed the needle back in her pocket. "Cell Block Three." She noted quietly.
Anastasia bit her lip nervously.
"Congratulations, Anastasia." Yvonne said. "You're meeting Mr. Richardson."
* * *
They walked for a bit before Anastasia realized who Yvonne was talking about.
"Wait. They mentioned a Richardson before. Millionaire Tom Richardson? He is Torchwood?"
"Indeed I am," Tom Richardson said, as they walked into the central chamber once more. They walked over to a cubicle, an office room. It seemed to be where the agents were briefed. "Nice to meet you, Miss-"
"Anastasia Rodriquez." Anastasia said.
"Well, Anastasia, I'm the new Torchwood." Tom Richardson said. Anastasia could not decipher his accent. It sounded like a weird mixture of incredibly british, australian, and american southern drawl. It was actually very disconcerting.
"Mr. Richardson is the old Torchwood, actually. He went missing for twenty years and now he's back out of the blue. He used to be head of Torchwood Four." Yvonne said.
"I have money." Richardson said bluntly.
"Hiiiiiiiiiiiii!" A woman chirped, popping out from behind a console. She was american, which surprised Anastasia. She hadn't heard an American all day. Well...she still wasn't sure if Richardson counted, with his voice. "I'm Stacy! I'm also Torchwood!" She cheered. She was clearly still enthralled with the idea. Anastasia recognized her. The same pink woman from the pizza shop.
"Yes, that's my wonderful wife, Stacy." Richardson said. "Yvonne, what are you doing with this whole-"
"Emotional closure." Yvonne stated coldly.
Anastasia had had enough. "Stop it. Stop it. All you are doing right now is making me angrier. You're talking down to me, you're treating me like garbage - if - if you're going to wipe my memory or something than just bloody do it and stop threatening me every five minutes!"
Yvonne was nonplussed at this. "Her uncle is the one in the cells."
"He's not dead?" Anastasia asked, dumbfounded.
"No." Richardson said, coldly.
Anastasia bit her lip.
* * *
As Anastasia descended down a not invisible elevator to the Cells with Richardson, Stacy and Yvonne, she could feel her heart in her throat. "The reason Cardiff is so important is the Rift. The rift takes in flotsam and jetsam on both ends and sends it back out into the universe. We get plenty of things here through the rift." Yvonne noted.
"Stop telling me things that don't matter." Anastasia said, bitterly.
"This matters." Yvonne said, and the elevator slowly came to a stop.
Inside it, right next to the rift manipulator, encased in glass, was a monstrous thing. Apelike, or maybe like some kind of strange...Neanderthal, lay a slouched creature with sharp teeth that extended out of a short snout.
"...Anastasia, meet your uncle." Yvonne said coldly.
The creature snarled, and clawed at the glass that held it still. It growled furiously. It's eyes were red, but they weren't malevolent, they were empty. Animal without the kindness of Animals.
Fury in a glass cage.
"...Fred, it's me-" Anastasia tried saying, but she couldn't get any more out.
"It's called a Weevil." Richardson said. "The rift takes in flotsam and jetsam from both ends. Your uncle was unlucky enough to be flotsam. It deformed him. Broke his mind."
Anastasia stood there. Yvonne stood there, and she was smiling at Anastasia. Watching her simmer.
It was her uncle. The furious, horrible thing in the cage was her uncle. There weren't words.
"Torchwood." She said to Yvonne, tearfully. "How do I sign up?"
This Story (Hypothetically) Starred
Tracy Ann Oberman as Yvonne Hartman
Natalia Cordova Buckley as Anastasia Rodriquez
Ian Alexander as Ash
Ben Mendelsohn as Tom Richardson
D'Arcy Carden as Stacy Richardson
Paul Clayton as Mr. Colchester
Frances De La Tour as Mrs. Thenardier
Tom Price as Andy Davidson
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