(PARODY AMONG US): 7.3 Alien of The Week
Torchwood Parody Among Us
7.3 Alien of The Week
Starring Ian Alexander, D'Arcy Carden, Paul Clayton, and Jason Hughes with Ben Mendelsohn and Tracy Ann Oberman
The Hub
The Torchwood hub cafeteria is not really a cafeteria. There is one metal table to sit at, and it's not very large, only enough for about six people. There are seats in the corner where some of the others do their work.
Colchester and Hunter sat in the hub cafeteria, eating lunch on that table. The floor was invisible, which was disconcerting. Evidently the walls were a bit glitchy today.
Stacy bounced in, wearing a new vibrant dress. "Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii guys! How is everybody doing! Anastasia and Yvonne have gone out for a job, so I am directly at your service! Call me if you need anything!" She cheered, happily skipping back out of the hub cafeteria.
"How D'You think Stacy got the job here? She's not exactly professional." Hunter asked.
"One begins to wonder." Mr. Colchester replied, chewing delicately on his sandwich.
"You know, it's funny. It's like Yvonne doesn't trust her. She's been here, for like, two weeks. Longer than most of us. And for some reason, she hasn't had a single professional mission." Hunter began.
"She has the longstanding tradition of making the coffee, evidently." Colchester grumbled.
"She's a freewheeler. She's gotten into this place because her husband has the money, and Yvonne needs it." Hunter spat. "What does she even do?"
Colchester did not reply.
"A new mission, though. I wonder why they didn't invite us." Hunter asked.
"Yvonne uses her operatives in very specific ways, Mr. Hunter."
"Yeah, but like I said, it's the whole priorities thing. Stacy comes along, gets no work but the glorified coffee lady, and Anastasia walks in, no training, and is suddenly Yvonne's poster girl."
Colchester mumbled. "I've worked with Ms. Hartman for years now. She keeps her cards close to her chest, and yes, indeed, she does have the slight issue of favoritism. She doesn't like that Richardson has drafted Stacy in, so she gets Coffee duty. Anastasia on the other hand, she's had wrapped around her finger since day one. She's malleable right now, and could be whatever Yvonne needs her to."
Ash strolled in, wearing a tailored waistcoat and long feminine gloves. "Hey." They chirped. "So, what's the conversation of the day? You know, I had a lovely date last night, and-"
"Stacy." Hunter grumbled. "She gets more irritating by the day."
Ash didn't really react. "I'm not one to judge co-workers."
"But she's a bit much, eh?" Hunter said, elbowing Ash.
"Oh, god, yes." Ash conceded. They took a moment and then voiced: "She means well, though."
Above them the overhead sirens went off in an incredibly loud pattern.
WeeeeeeeOWWW WeeeeeeOWW, WeeeeeeOWWWW!!!
Richardson's signature unique voice came out of the loudspeaker. "We have a body in sector 12. There has just been a murder. We need all of you in briefing, NOW."
Around him, Colchester, Ash, Stacy and Hunter stood there solemnly. This was a rare occasion, and it was usually a bad one.
"One of Yvonne's newest recruits, a Jacqueline Varma. She's been found on the street. Large amounts of the body are...missing. It's not a pretty sight." Richardson said.
"I've never heard of her." Hunter said.
"You didn't have the clearance." Richardson replied. "Her job was to monitor the Mayor, she was the Mayor's aide in all things. Torchwood needs someone in that position to avoid another Ro-Jedda scenario."
"Don't remind me." Colchester grumbled.
"Ash, we need someone to analyze the body, if you would-" Richardson began.
"Oh, yes. Of course. I'm the tech person, I'm the perfect person to assign for a weird limbless body." Ash began.
"Yes. You're the only one in the group with basic field medical." Richardson said.
"Oh. Hi! Um, Yes, Hi!" Stacy perked up. "I, well, actually I considered Medical School in College. Took all the prerequisites. Worked in a hospital for a bit, um, actually. Whole cheery disposition thing. Um, sorry." She rambled.
"Fine. Ash, take Stacy with you."
"Whoopee!" Stacy cheered. "I'll grab my bags."
* * *
The first thing Stacy noticed was that the body has no skin. It's not red and bloody and whatnot underneath though, it's been meticulously cleaned off to the point where there's not a speck of it. There's no blood. Only ...absolutely sparklingly clean muscles and bone. They also are missing an arm on the right side and a leg on the left.
"Okay, so my first thoughts... weirdly thorough." Stacy said. "Something's just...taken half of it."
"I know. It's legitimately concerning." Ash muttered. They stood nearby - wrapped in an enormously billowy fur coat that looked like it came from Russia. They brandished a scanning device.
"Residue on the walls and an electrical discharge." Ash said. "We can safely rule out human contact."
"Woah." Stacy said. "I think I found something!"
Ash moved back over, looking over Stacy's shoulder. "By Jove, that must be it." They said.
A blue glowing chip was lodged in a place within the skull.
Ash reached out. The chip attatched itself to their hand and Suddenly they were a black woman. "Aah!" They yelled. "It must be some kind of shapeshifting device! Oh damn it, how do you turn it off!"
"I'm not sure..." Stacy said, trying to examine the chip.
"Stacy, I was a woman once, I would really prefer to not be doing it again! Fix it!" He shrieked.
Stacy tore the chip out of his hand and his usual body appeared.
"Ah." Ash swore. "Thank god for surgery." There was a red blotch on his hand where the chip had embedded itself.
"That's funny. It doesn't seem to be affecting me." Stacy said, shortly before appearing as an overweight Australian with red hair. "Oh my god!"
Stacy began pacing. "Okay, how do we fix this?!"
"I'm not taking it from you." Ash huffed. "I assume this is the alien influence."
"I think it's only part of it." Stacy's new australian persona began. "It- it feels like technology."
Ash reached into his pocket, his phone was ringing. "Hello, this is Ash." They answered.
Hunter's voice streamed out of the phone. "Ash, Stacy, I think we have a false alarm. Jacqueline Varma has just been spotted at a Nightclub."
* * *
The Cardiff City Nightclub scene was one that Ash was accustomed to. Stacy was decidedly not.
"I've never been to a Nightclub. What's it like?" Stacy chirped.
"Oh, it's a bunch of drunk people who like kissing. It's great, depending on the people that night." Ash laughed. "You just are going to need a makeover to go in."
Stacy rolled her eyes. "I don't like this body any more than you liked the one it gave you!"
"I find that highly doubtful." Ash said. "You need to talk to a fashion specialist."
* * *
Ash and Stacy walked to Anastasia's apartment.
"Why are we going to Anasasia's?" Stacy asked.
"We're not." Ash said.
He opened the door. "Mrs. Thenardier??!" He called.
Mrs. Thenardier descended down the stairs in a vibrant orange and blue trenchcoat. "Hello! Oh, it is my best customer!"
"Yes. I think we're going to need your help on a teensy weensy little job."
"There is no problem!" She proclaimed, opening a door revealing several stores worth of costumes.
* * *
Ash, and Stacy, now wearing the face of this man, stood by the club entrance.
"There are as I see it, a few possibilities. Jacqueline Varma could have somehow survived and the body we found is of someone else. Or a clone or a similcrum. Or she's been replaced by something else. Watch your back. And try not to accidentally flirt or something. The fellows here are wonderfully free-spirited." Ash said, examining the crowd. They moved into the crowd with a stylish twirl.
Stacy stood there.
Several gruff looking men glared at Stacy.
"Hi," she chirped, with a weak attempt at a handwave before awkwardly shuffling off.
Stacy was overwhelmed. She'd never done anything like this. She made the coffee. And people hated her. That was her life. She sighed.
She tried to be a people person, insightful and all that, but she was awkward.
Maybe she should get a drink.
She moved down to the bar. "Hey! Do you have, like, orange juice or something?" She asked, having taken a seat.
A gorgeous dark-skinned man walked over to her. "Sure," he said smoothly, handing her something that wasn't orange juice. Stacy realized She did say 'or something'.
Stacy walked off. There was a couch in the corner where 4 men and two women were cuddling, dancers forming a crowd that bounced in a rhythm that Stacy couldn't keep track of - (she liked music, but was rubbish at everything else related to it) and flashing lights and as far as Stacy was concerned, far too many Disco Balls.
She had lost Ash in the behemoth of people. And no sign of Jacqueline Varma.
Someone tapped her on her shoulder. "Mind if I buy you a drink?" He asked.
"Oh, I have one, it's this weird...purple?? thing-" Stacy began, raising her drink, and for the first time in about an hour, she looked at her hand. The chip was still there, attached to the hand of this new male body, but the discoloration around it had grown, she had bright red skin around the chip- the body was just flaking away. The Man smiled creepily before he narrowed his eyes and showed her underneath his coat, a knife.
"You're coming with me..."
* * *
Stacy was led out behind a back alley.
"This is a serious mistake. I have connections. I want to speak to your manager-" Stacy squirmed as the man shuffled her out into the dark alley. Behind her was a wall and bins. No chance of escape. And another body. Like the one from before, but- clearly less decomposed. Once again, The face of Jacqueline Varma.
The face on the man shifted- for a split second he was her. Jacqueline Varma. "I apologize for the disguise," He purred, "But I do go through bodies quickly these days and even more so when I try to evade your type. I see you've found my chip. I'm a bit annoyed I dropped it."
"Oh, you can have it! Get it off me! I want to be back to normal, please!"
"I'm happy to help-" The man said, lifting his hand and the chip flying off of her palm, infinitesimal punctures were it was before. "But I think that's the least of your worries," He said, flicking the knife.
"What did you do to Jacqueline Varma?" Stacy growled.
"She got in my way and I needed a face. I take faces. Possession, shape-shifting, controlling dead bodies as my own, whatever I need to do. I simply must change my face every week, find a new corpse or shape to take upon, or the chips- they eat apart my body. You must have seen what it did to your fragile frame." The Shapeshifter said.
Stacy looked down at her red blotchy arm.
"But it's difficult to copy people without keeping them still for a long time for a blueprint - and possession is more draining than the others. And I must change my face, or those who hunt me would find me. I can never use the same face twice. The morgue ran out of faces for me to steal- the Nursing homes had no people I could take for their last days, and Jacqueline Varma got in my way. So I took her."
"What the hell did you leave behind as that corpse we found?"
"My previous body. It was deteriorating, but I could make it look close enough to Varma. I managed to save some of the limbs to use for a while longer, as well as the skin. I shall wear it occasionally for the next few days before it too collapses. I am not wasteful."
"What you're doing is the very definition of waste!" Stacy called. "Ash will find me, any second now."
"Ash is currently having sex with a man in the bathroom." The Shapeshifter said. "You Torchwood types are quite predictable."
Stacy swore.
The Shapeshifter, half Varma and half a dark faced man continued to speak: "As for you, sadly I think that possession would be the right choice. Any more bodies and Torchwood will notice. But I can use you to get to your superiors, and I shall take them too, and that will give me enough money to get farther away. To the United States perhaps. I haven't been there in a few hundred years."
Stacy tried to kick the Shapeshifter, but she fell.
What could she do? She had no idea. No way to get out. Torchwood really should give out guns more freely. She thought she would be fairly good with one. But she didn't have anything.
Minus, now that she was in a female body, and suddenly with female clothes. Including some very heavy high heels, and considering how fast this creature ate through bodies - on the right leg, the one it kept should be more worn than the other.
She took her chance, and swung the heel into it, and it tore like Papyrus, particles of dust flying out into the air.
The creature howled.
She turned to get back to the bar, but before she could swing her door open, a mildly disheveled Ash wielding a gun swung the door open first.
"Oh, it's about time! What the hell were you doing?!"
"If you must know, I was gathering information." Ash paused. "And he was cute."
Stacy pointed at the shapeshifter. "It's them. They're the alien."
"I could tell, their leg is all torn like paper!" Ash yelled, lowering the gun.
"You will not take me alive!" The shapeshifer called. "If I do not hide my bodies, their scanners will detect me and they will find me."
"Who will find you!?" Ash yelled.
"They are dangerous!" The shapeshifter moaned cryptically. "You must kill me or they will find me!"
The shapeshifter charged at Ash, furiously, but Ash fired the gun and it collapsed to the ground, dead.
Stacy and Ash leaned against the wall, breathing heavily, as Ash opened his phone to call Richardson.
* * *
The Next Day
Yvonne had returned to the hub when Stacy and Ash came back the following morning. "Bravo. Oh, Bravo." She proclaimed. "Ash, your work on this case was positively exemplary. I cannot wait to read the full report, oh, I cannot." She said, cheerfully.
"Well, actually... a lot of the work was actually done by Stacy." Ash said.
Yvonne blinked a few times, like this didn't compute. "Well." She said, eventually. "I'm quite happy to hear it." She said, slightly confused.
"Like I said, you'll hear all about it in my report. Suffice to say, she's a real find." Ash said smartly, walking off.
Yvonne made a skant smile at Stacy, who positively beamed before Yvonne walked off.
Ash walked into the Torchwood hub cafeteria, and he sat down in the usual seat with Colchester and Hunter.
"You positively wouldn't believe what happened last night-" He began, and Stacy resigned herself to the corner and began to fiddle with the Coffee machine.
"Stacy! Come over here!" Ash called. "Come sit with us."
And smiling, she did.
Viola Davis as Ash's (Temporary) Body
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